


Merry Captain

by VincentMeoblinn



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossdressing, Frottage, Homophobic Language, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, Sexuality Crisis, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-12 14:12:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2112939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VincentMeoblinn/pseuds/VincentMeoblinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is depressed. So depressed that it’s bringing the entire airdot into a fit of depression with him. The crew of GERTI, upon discovering that his malaise is due to a lack of feminine attention, pressure Martin into crossdressing and posing as a date for him in an attempt to boost his spirits. They had no idea that Mary Captain and Arthur Shappey would get on so well.</p><p>A/N As a genderfluid person occasionally subjected to ridicule I realize the slurs in this fic may offend many. Please be aware that I do not condone their usage nor do I use them myself in casual conversation. They are being used for comedic value- and a bit of educational undertone- with the understanding that we are all mature adults who would never slur an individual or group in real life any more than we would drop an anvil on a helpless woodland creature. If you do not fall in this category then kindly piss off.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Little Pink Frock

**Author's Note:**

> A/N As a genderfluid person occasionally subjected to ridicule I realize the slurs in this fic may offend many. Please be aware that I do not condone their usage nor do I use them myself in casual conversation. They are being used for comedic value- and a bit of educational undertone- with the understanding that we are all mature adults who would never slur an individual or group in real life any more than we would drop an anvil on a helpless woodland creature. If you do not fall in this category then kindly piss off.

**A/N As a genderfluid person occasionally subjected to ridicule I realize the slurs in this fic may offend many. Please be aware that I do not condone their usage nor do I use them myself in casual conversation. They are being used for comedic value- and a bit of educational undertone- with the understanding that we are all mature adults who would never slur an individual or group in real life any more than we would drop an anvil on a helpless woodland creature. If you do not fall in this category then kindly piss off.**

Arthur _tried_ to sound cheerful, but it was coming out more than a bit flat as he bade farewell to their current group of passengers.

“Thank you for flying MJN Air. Thank you for flying MJN Air. Thank you for…”

“Arthur!” Caroline barked, “Stop thanking them and help them into the life raft! No one is going to come back so you might as well save your already depressing remarks!”

“Yes mum,” Arthur sighed miserably, continuing to grab each hand and help their passengers drop into the raft.

Later on in the portocabin they threw themselves down into chairs and began the tedious work of filling out the paperwork associated with what was technically a crash landing.

“I can’t _believe_ you landed us in the _Thames_ ,” Martin griped.

“Oh shut it, we survived didn’t we? And GIRTI isn’t horrifically damaged, which she would be if we’d landed on an airfield like _you_ wanted to _sir_ ,” Douglas snarled angrily.

“Enough!” Caroline screamed, “I should fire you both!”

That brought about sulking and, with tempers so high, everyone looked towards Arthur for his usual reprieve. He sat morosely in the corner picking at his nails and giving them doleful looks.

“Fire _me_?” Douglas scoffed, “I’m the one who saved your precious aeroplane from your own dodgy repair jobs! If the landing gear hadn’t stuck we wouldn’t have been in this mess!”

Caroline stood up to shout at him full on when Arthur abruptly stood as well.

“I’ve had enough of this!”

Everyone stared at him in shock, but rather than explaining he sniffled miserably and stormed out of the portacabin. Concerned, Caroline abandoned her attempt to flay her crew and chased after him. Douglas and Martin descended into silence for a full ten minutes before Martin spoke up.

“What’s with Arthur lately anyway? He’s been so down at the mouth I’m starting to worry it will freeze that way.”

“Yes, he’s been right miserable, hasn’t he? Frankly it’s even bringing _me_ down,” Douglas replied.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Yes, since Birling Day.”

“Ah yes, Mr. Birling! Well, he’s not exactly a ray of sunshine, is he?”

“No, but he’s never done _this_ to Arthur. Although you having gotten him so drunk that _none_ of us got tips _did_ bring _me_ down quite a bit.”

Martin rolled his eyes but didn’t reply. They’d been round that subject enough times that it no longer upset him.

“Yes, but that was _months_ ago,” Martin worried, “Shouldn’t we _do_ something about it?”

“Certainly,” Douglas replied with a sneer, “Would you like to pony up the £5000 tip, or shall I? Oh wait! That’s right! You don’t get paid by MJN Air! How _do_ you survive, anyway?”

“I doubt he’s upset about the money. Arthur’s not the materialistic sort.”

“Nor are you, apparently,” Douglas replied, his tone amused. He was always a bit proud of Martin when he ignored a jibe.

“So what can we _do_ about it?” Martin asked.

Caroline returned at that point, looking tired and frustrated. She threw herself down in her desk chair and sighed.

“You two are men- roughly speaking- aren’t you?”

“I’ve been reliably told so,” Douglas replied, “Usually followed by a female person throwing her hands up in the air in disgust.”

“Yes, Caroline, we’re both me,” Martin sighed in annoyance, waiting for the punchline.

“So what do I do about Arthur?”

“Sorry?” Martin asked, “What’s Arthur got to do with men?”

“He prefers women, as I recall,” Douglas mused.

“I _meant_ ,” Caroline snapped, “What do I do about his problems _as a man_.”

“What are they?” Martin wondered, still baffled.

“He’s depressed,” Caroline explained, “Because it turns out Mr. Birling was right and Arthur hasn’t had a date in nearly six months! The women who usually trip over him have suddenly realized that there are other men in the world and are ignoring and even snubbing him. His feelings are hurt, his pride is destroyed, and his optomism is… is… is… _gone!”_

Caroline sounded genuinely upset, horrified even, and her emotions registered on the faces of the crew of MJN Air.

“Six months?” Douglas asked in horror, “I don’t think I could manage that long, do you Martin?”

“I… well… let’s not talk about… I mean… _poor_ Arthur! We’ve got to do something!” Martin stammered.

XXX

“Douglas, are you _sure_ this is a good idea?” Martin asked anxiously as he smoothed his skirts.

He was wearing a high-necked powder pink chiffon dress with a full knee-length skirt. The shoulder wrap just below his neck was a lighter shade of pink and his bra was stuffed to give him smallish breasts at his request. He’d looked downright foolish with larger ones, and if he was going to do this he was going to be serious about it. His shoes were clear sandals with a one inch heel, which he’d managed to figure out how to walk in after about an hour of practice and a few bruises. He wore a light dusting of pink eye shadow, light pink lipstick, fake eyelashes, rouge, and his ginger curls loose and bouncy rather than slicked back with pomade.

“Yes,” Douglas replied firmly.           

“Because I’m only about 50% sure.”

“This again? Do I have to do the maths for you?”

“No, no, it’s just that Arthur _may_ be stupid-“

“Arthur _is_ stupid.”

“Well, yes, but he’s not _this_ stupid. I mean, I may be in a dress and make-up but I’m still _me_. He’s going to recognize me!”

“If he does- and I still say he won’t- won’t it be _hilarious_.”

“Douglas if you… _”_

Caroline and Arthur entering the portacabin cut off Martin’s words.

“Ah, Caroline!” Douglas announced, standing up eagerly, “This lovely young lady is here to apply for a stewardess position! Say hello, Mary.”

“Hello,” Martin replied, his voice artificially high even as he gave Douglas an annoyed glare.

“Stewardess?” Arthur asked, his tone worried, “But that’s _my_ job. _I’m_ the stewardess.”

“Flight attendant,” Martin corrected, “It’s more gender neutral.”

“Ah, yes, apologies,” Douglas replied, “I wouldn’t want to be seen as a misogynist.”

“Heaven forbid,” Caroline replied, her tone sardonic, “Unfortunately Ms… what was your last name?”

“Captain,” Martin jumped in before Douglas could answer for him.

“Mary Captain?” Arthur chimed in, his tone perking up a bit, “Well, then you should apply for a captains position! I’m sure we could use another of those. Mum’s always saying we need a better pilot, but that the flight attendant position is an pointless one there to keep me happy.”

“I’m sure your current pilot is absolutely _perfect,”_ Martin cooed, “And besides, doesn’t that take _years_ of training, skills, and a CPL?”

“Well…” Arthur considered, “Yes to the CPL, but the rest… no I don’t think so. I mean, I never managed it, but that was all nerves. I bet you’d be _brilliant_!”

Martin couldn’t help but smile at finally hearing that word again and it seemed to seal the deal for everyone in the room.

“Well, seeing as how Ms. Captain took the time to come here only to be turned away, wouldn’t it be _nice_ if someone treated her to dinner?” Douglas purred.

“Oh, I don’t think mum will do that,” Arthur stated, his tone apologetic, “She’s kind of a penny pincher.”

“Yes, well,” Martin stammered, trying not to groan at his idiocy, “She’s not _really_ my type anyway.”

Martin sidled up to Arthur and batted his eyelashes prettily until Arthur gave him an understanding look.

“You’ve got something in your eye,” Arthur nodded wisely, “I hate that. The bathroom’s over-“

“I’m _flirting_ with you, you moron!” Martin shrilled.

Douglas and Caroline had sudden coughing fits to cover their laughter.

“Oh!” Arthur chirped, “Why didn’t you say so! Gosh, it’s been so long I guess I forgot what it looks like! I know! How about _I_ take you out to dinner instead of Mum?”

“That would be _lovely_ ,” Martin smiled cheerily, “Douglas my purse?”

Douglas made a face as he scooped up the pink monstrosity from Caroline’s desk and handed it to Martin. Martin slid it over his shoulder and linked arms with Arthur who hastily asked for Caroline’s car keys (because his was old and smelly) and escorted Martin out the door.

The date itself was uneventful, mostly entailing a delicious free meal and Martin smiling through Arthur’s unbelievable wealth of information about polar bears. Then they ordered desserts and Arthur tried to order the strawberry mousse.

“Oh! No!” Martin squeaked, “Not the strawberry mousse, please! Order _anything_ else.”

“Oh? Why?” Arthur asked, looking startled. The waitor looked a mixture of disgusted and confused, but that might have been at the fact Martin was _obviously_ male.

“Be-be-because it would match my dress!” Martin spat out, “It would be horridly embarrassing.”

“Oh gosh! I’m so sorry!” Arthur replied sincerely, “I’ll just have apple pie then. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

“Perfectly. In fact I’ll have the same. Two, please.”

“You’re so good at this colour coordination thing,” Arthur chirped, “You’ll have to help me with it sometime. I’m pants at it.”

“Anytime you like, dear.”

“So what made you want to become a flight attendant?” Arthur asked.

“Oh, I just _love_ to fly,” Martin replied dreamily, “I absolutely love planes! Don’t you?”

“You bet I do!” Arthur replied cheerfully, “You know, for a second there you looked just like Skip does when he talks about flying. He sure loves it.”

“Oh? Your captain? Is he a smart chap, then?” Martin asked.

“Oh, better than that! Skipper’s brilliant!”

“Is he?” Martin blushed.

“Yeah, I really like him. A privilege to fly with him; although… Mum always says it’s a privilege to land… not sure why. That’s my _least_ favourite part.”

“Oh do go on!”

“This one time… oh, but you probably don’t want to hear about my job.”

“NO! I mean… I’d love to hear more about flying…”

They finished up dessert and ended up chatting away in the car in the parking lot long after the restaurant had closed. Martin was so comfortable that he’d turned in his seat and was facing Arthur while he recounted their adventures in the sky, all from his odd point of view. He was actually having a good time; _more_ than a good time, in fact.

“So the cat was alright?” Martin asked, breathless with a hand to his chest.

“Fine, thank goodness. If it weren’t for Douglas’ idea it would have died! But it was Skipper’s heart that won out, of course. He didn’t want to let on, but I could tell he really felt _awful_ for the poor cat. Even if it was a savage beast that mauled me.”

“How charming,” Martin cooed, “He sounds like a lovely man.”

“Yeah… I suppose… this is the part where you’d rather go out with him, isn’t it?” Arthur asked.

Arthur’s night long cheer had vanished in the blink of an eye, leaving behind the sad-eyed man from the past six months. Martin’s mouth opened and closed as he tried to think of a way to bring back that perk, but Douglas was the mastermind- not he- so he did the only thing he could think of considering their circumstances.

He kissed Arthur.

And Arthur kissed him.

And what had started out as a chaste farewell kiss- in Martin’s mind- became a full on snog with hands tangled in hair and tongues battling for dominance. Arthur scrambled to touch, Martin grateful for the full skirt since he hadn’t bothered to tuck himself. Then Arthur’s hand wandered close to Martin’s thankfully flaccid cock and he hastily batted it away and dove for the younger man’s crotch to distract him from trying again.

“Mmmm!” Arthur groaned, shifting his hips as Martin cupped his groin and rubbed. Their kiss broke and Arthur stared down at the hand on his trouser fronts as if he’d never seen one before, “Oh fucking hell!”

Arthur’s head fell back against the headrest and Martin’s jaw dropped, his hand nearly stilling. Arthur had just _cursed_. He never cursed! Ever! Martin had been living up till that moment under the impression that he didn’t _know_ any swear words despite living with Caroline. Something about those words coming out of his sweet mouth was utterly erotic and Martin found himself hardening beneath his poufy pink skirt. He swallowed hard and then stared as Arthur’s hands went to his flies, glancing aside at Martin for permission.

Martin swallowed hard and then nodded, suddenly eager to get his hands around Arthur’s cock and wring some more sounds from him. It had been ages since he’d last tossed a bloke off, but he couldn’t have gotten rusty at it, so he took him in hand with ease, switching to his right hand so his left could wander down to fondle his…

“Bollocks! Oh, fucking hell! Yes!” Arthur gasped, grasping the door handle in one hand and the e-brake in the other.

Martin stared down at the hand wrapped around the e-brake in envy as Arthur writhed and moaned. His own erection was throbbing as it tented his skirt. He did his best to shift a leg up to hide it, but the fact he’d gone pantless wasn’t helping matters. The breeze that wafted up his skirt to tease his arse and bollocks was absolute torture. He wanted to take himself in hand _at least,_ but that wasn’t an option if they were going to maintain their ruse.

Arthur gasped, his cockhead swelling in Martin’s hand. He rubbed his thumb over the head and then lifted it a fraction to serve as a blockade so Arthur’s come wouldn’t get all over his shirtfront. Arthur grunted, shocked by how fast Martin had wrung his climax from him, and Martin was treated to the sight of his eyes rolling back in his head while his mouth fell open in bliss. Martin’s hand was saturated in spunk, but he carefully extracted it and as much of Arthur’s release as he could manage, and wiped it off with some tissues from the glove box. Without a means of disposal, he shoved the tissues into his purse while blushing mightily.

“Oh, that was brilliant,” Arthur breathed beside him, taking a few tissues to finish cleaning himself up, “Unbelievable, really. You’re so good at that!”

“Ahem,” Martin replied awkwardly, “Thank you.”

“May I?”

A hand at his knee made Martin jump and he stared down at the sight of his skirt being lifted up as Arthur’s hand slid up his thigh. His cock bobbed with enthusiasm and he could feel his bollocks drawing up at the mere _thought_ of being touched after so long alone. Yet…

“No!” Martin croaked, his voice deeper than he’d intended. He corrected to his falsetto and tried again, “I mean, _no_ , I couldn’t. I’m afraid this is a bad time.”

“Oh, I’m… it’s just I don’t mind. I’d hate to leave you all hot and bothered when I’ve had a go and…”

“I don’t doubt it,” Martin replied, he really didn’t, “It’s just that this is a bad _time of month_ for me.”

“Your what, then?”

“It’s my menses, so I simply can’t,” Martin chirped.

“Menses?” Arthur frowned, “Is that some code word for… for what you… I mean… not to be indelicate but…”

“I’m on my period!” Martin squeaked.

“Oh,” Arthur frowned in confusion, then his face lit up, “Oh! I see! I understand. Well, I don’t, but I won’t be disrespectful.”

“ _Thank_ you.”

“I’d like to take you out again,” Arthur insisted, “Please? I do so like having someone I can talk to. Maybe next time you won’t be having… er… mensings.”

“Menses,” Martin corrected.

“Menses. I’ll look that up so I know what it is and won’t be ignorant by accident,” Arthur nodded, pulling out a tablet and pen from the glove box, “How do you spell it?”

Martin rattled out the spelling, completely confused as to how Arthur had dated so many women and never heard of a menstrual cycle. Perhaps rich women had a way around them?

“Right, got it,” Arthur grinned, then leaned in to give Martin a peck on the cheek, “I’ll pick you up next week at eight on Tuesday. I have off then. Where can I pick you up? Oh, and where can I drop you off, for that matter.”

Martin rattled off the first address that came to his mind- the post office on the corner near his flat- and they drove off in comfortable silence. A final kiss farewell threatened to turn into another frantic snog, but Martin dragged himself away from Arthur’s surprisingly skilled lips. Arthur gave him a dreamy smile and then drove off into the night.

Martin had to kick off his pumps before climbing the narrow stairs to his attic bedroom, grateful his housemates were all passed out at this hour, but once there he shut the door and wasted no time lifting his skirts and taking himself in hand. His erection had mostly waned at this point, but his arousal had not. He firmed up quickly and it was only a matter of picturing Arthur coming into his hand, the sound of his voice wrapped around a filthy curse, and Martin was coming into the already used wad of tissue he’d fished out of his purse.

“Ohhhhh,” Martin groaned, glad to use his own voice again, then he sank down to the floor, “Bollocks. I’m so _very_ fucked.”

XXX

“So Martin, how was your date,” Douglas asked once they’d reached a decent velocity.

“Shut up.”

“Oh, come on, don’t hold back on the juicy details! Arthur was so _very_ cheerful this morning.”

“Shut _up_.”

“Was he at least a gentleman?” Douglas continued to tease, “He didn’t try to take advantage of you? Why, Martin, you’re blushing!”

Douglas’ last phrase was genuine surprise.

“ _Shut up!_ ” Martin shouted angrily, “You don’t want him to hear you, do you? It will spoil everything.”

“Spoil what? One date and he’s fine. He’ll never hear from Ms. Mary Captain again.”

The door opened and Arthur bounced in without the joviality he’d been sporting that morning. In fact he looked worried.

“Oh no,” Martin groaned, “What’s fallen off the plane now?”

“Nothing,” Arthur replied, “It all looks fine so far, but I wanted a word with you two outside Mum’s earshot.”

Arthur sat down and fidgeted anxiously, “You two have to promise not to make fun of me.”

“I promise,” Douglas said, his voice dripping with insincerity.

“Douglas,” Martin growled out, his tone full of warning, “Arthur is obviously _upset_ about something perhaps we should be _gentlemen_ and not _take advantage_ _of him_?”

“Oh!” Douglas replied, sitting up straighter, “I see! Yes, indeed, Arthur. You have my word.”

“And yours, Martin?” Arthur pressed.

“Yes, absolutely, Arthur. You can tell us anything.”

“I really, really, really like Mary,” Arthur breathed out, “But I think we all know she’s not who she appears to be.”

Silence from Martin.

“Go on,” Douglas urged, his tone curious.

“I know you two think I’m pretty dumb.”

“No!” Douglas replied sarcastically.

“Douglas, shut up!” Martin snapped, his voice cracking anxiously.

“Still, even _I_ could figure out that Mary was… well…”

“Was?” Douglas prompted when Martin was left swallowing anxiously.

“A bloke,” Arthur replied, and then let out a sigh of relief, “Oh, bloody hell, but that felt good to get out!”

Martin’s cock twitched at the curse and he bit his lower lip.

“No!” Douglas gasped in mock shock, “What on earth tipped you off?”

“Mainly her erection,” Arthur replied, which had Douglas choking on his own spit, “But looking back there _were_ a few clues before I noticed it.”

“Well clearly he liked you,” Douglas chuckled, “Perhaps you should give it a go given your recent luck with women. Why don’t you see him again?”

“Oh, I will!” Arthur nodded, “I really, really, really, like her… oh, but Douglas, please don’t say ‘he’.”

“Why on earth not?”

“Because she’s transgender, and from what I’ve looked up,” Here Arthur pulled out a packet of papers printed from a computer, “Transgender people usually prefer to be referred to as the gender they are presenting as rather than the sex assigned to them at birth. See that? There’s a difference between sex and gender! I had no idea.”

“Nor did I,” Douglas replied, amused, “Consider me corrected.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate you being open minded about this. It was sort of hard to come out to you two, you being such macho men and all.”

“The burliest,” Douglas assured him, “But aren’t our hearts poufy and pink inside us all?”

“Douglas,” Martin growled in warning.

“Not really, though I appreciate the sentiment,” Arthur nodded, “Really, they’re red with blue veins. Did you know _everyone’s_ blood is blue inside them, not just rich people’s blood? It only turns red when air touches it. I think it’s shy. You know, like it’s blushing?”

“How adorable,” Douglas smiled warmly, “As sweet as a chiffon dress.”

“ _Douglas_!” Martin hissed.

“Keep shouting my name and I’ll think you fancy _me_ ,” Douglas teased.

“I swear, I will turn this plane around!” Martin snapped, voice cracking, “I am captain- pilot- _the_ captain, and I will not be mocked!”

“Whose mocking you?” Douglas asked, “Not I. Were you, Arthur.”

“No, of course not. I’d never make fun of Skip,” Arthur replied, sounding hurt.

“Then he must be bothered by our topic of coversation. Why, Martin, you’re not homophobic are you?”

“What?! No!” Martin stammered.

“Transphobic?” Arthur asked, his tone full of anxiety.

“No! Of course not! Arthur, I’m very happy for you and your date, I’m only worried you’re rushing it a bit.”

“You think so?”

“I mean, you don’t even know this… girl. What if she’s not worth you redefining your entire sexuality over?”

“I won’t find that out until I date her more, will I?” Arthur shrugged, “And anyway, she’s brilliant! She loves planes, Skip. Really, I feel like she’d be better off with you.”

“Oh, wouldn’t that be the most _perfect_ relationship _ever_?” Douglas cheered.

“Shut _up_!” Martin snapped.

“Are you two having a row?” Arthur asked.

“It’s just,” Arthur continued, “You seem rather short with Douglas.”

“He’s always been that height,” Douglas replied dryly.

“Oh for gods… I’m trying to _fly a plane_ could either of you respect that? Just once?”

“Sorry Skip,” Arthur pouted, “I’ll go.”

“No, wait, Arthur! I didn’t mean…!”

The door shut and Martin groaned in misery.

“Martin, shame on you!” Douglas scolded.

“I know, I’ll call him back up and apologize,” Martin sighed, reaching for the comm.

“Well you should, talking to your boyfriend that way,” Douglas scolded.

Martin flinched. He’d thrown the switch. The entire of the passenger compartment had heard Douglas scolding him about a boyfriend. Martin threw it closed again and dropped into tense silence. When Arthur brought the cheese tray he didn’t respond to his attempts at cheerful banter, nor did he answer when Douglas goaded him. In the end Arthur left with his smile much diminished and Douglas glared at him angrily for the rest of the flight.

 

[Martin's Dress #1](http://www.onlinepromdress.com/upfile/Occasion%20Dresses/Cocktail%20Dresses/High%20Neck%20Ruffles%20Pink%20Chiffon%20Formal%20Dresses%20For%20Party.jpg)

I got a LOT of information from this source: <http://cabinpres-fic.dreamwidth.org/3423.html>


	2. Her Little Blue Suit (You don't know what I got... beneath it)

[Martin’s Dress #2](http://media2.onsugar.com/files/2014/02/14/635/n/1922564/60272da656d62912_kate-middleton-blue-dress.jpg.xxxlarge_2x.jpg)

Martin adjusted his blue dress, courtesy of a trip to a second hand store. He looked like a proper flight attendant if he did say so himself, even if it _was_ for a made up airline. What was important was that Martin believed it. So there he was, casually standing about the desk of the motel lobby while asking dull questions in his attempt to remain until Arthur showed up and noticed him. The desk clerk had long ago lost his patience with ‘Mary’ and was clearly considering telling him where to go when Arthur walked in.

“Mary?” Arthur asked, his eyes lighting up.

“Arthur!” Martin gasped, “What are _you_ doing here!”

Martin hurried forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek while he gazed down at her with happily dancing eyes.

“I’m here with MJN Air,” Arthur explained, “What are _you_ doing here?”

“I got a job with Dairy Airways* as a flight attendant!”

“Hurrah!” Arthur cheered, “Now we can talk shop even more!”

“I was just about to go out to eat,” Martin sighed, “But I haven’t gotten my first pay check yet so money is a bit tight.”

“Well then let me treat you!” Arthur replied happily, “I’ve been calling you for a second date for weeks now. No time like the present.”

Martin smiled shyly, “I must have given you the wrong number. I didn’t get any of your calls.”

“No worries,” Arthur smiled, opening the door for Martin, “You can give me the right one later.”

“Will do,” Martin replied, smiling through his worry. He didn’t have the money for a new or second mobile, so he didn’t actually _have_ a number to give him. He’d have to think up a proper excuse later.

They headed down the road to a pub where each ordered and spent the time chatting happily about their jobs- Arthur’s real and Martin’s imagined. It was comfortable, warm, and tantalizing as their fingers entwined and their eyes met over their pop. Eventually someone stopped sending them vicious glares and started making nasty comments instead.

“Get out of here _tranny!”_

“Yeah, no one wants to see that _perversion.”_

It took a moment for Martin to realize they were talking about him, and once he did he blushed furiously. Arthur, however, was already on his feet and shouting at them.

“You should be ashamed of yourselves, picking on a lovely lady like Mary!”

“Mary?!” One of the blokes laughed, causing an uproar of laughter.

Arthur was rolling up his sleeves for a brawl when Martin decided dragging him out by his collar was a better option. They left to the sound of people shouting ‘batty boy’ and ‘shemale’ while Martin’s face burned and Arthur fumed.

“You should have let me hit them,” Arthur snapped.

“You’d have been killed,” Martin argued, “There were _eight_ of them and one of us, not odds even Douglas would take.”

“Listen,” Arthur stopped Martin in his tracks by taking his wrist firmly and tugging, “I get that you’re probably used to comments like that, and that leaving is usually better than fighting, but you’re not alone right now. You’re with me, and I’m willing to go down slugging rather than let _my girl_ be mocked! The Yard can sort it after and to hell with them when I level charges of discrimination and harassment on them!”

There was only one way to answer that so Martin pulled him in for a heated kiss comprised of as much tooth as tongue. They were panting when they separated and Martin smoothed his lapels.

“I guess you know that I’m not as… feminine… as you originally thought, then.”

“Yes, and I’m fine with it. It will take some getting used to, I won’t lie, but you’re worth it.”

Martin swallowed around the lump in his throat. His own father didn’t consider him worth the time of day, but Arthur Shappey was willing to redefine his sexuality and get the snot beaten out of him for someone he’d met twice and gotten a wank out of. Martin rested his forehead against Arthur’s while he tried to get control of his rampant emotions. As usual Arthur read his emotions and simply stood there, hands gently rubbing up and down his arms as they stared into each other’s eyes.

“Can we go to your room?” Martin tried once he trusted his voice.

Arthur nodded and they returned to the motel hand in hand, eyes glancing furtively at each other. The ride up the elevator entailed a bit more snogging and then they hurried to Arthur’s room.

“Um… I have to check and make sure Skipper isn’t in,” Arthur said, “I’m sure he’d be okay with it- Douglas says it’s in the Man Code- but I better check just in case.”

“Um, okay. Sure. I’ll just wait here then?”

“Just for a tick, yeah,” Arthur replied, then stepped into the room briefly and returned with a sock to tie to the doorknob, “Okay. Coast is clear. He must be out.”

Martin swallowed down a laugh and they slipped into the room where hands became urgent with their need to remove clothes. They tumbled onto the bed, Martin on straddling Arthur’s hips, and ran their hands over every inch of each other as they fumbled with buttons and zips. Martin tossed his dress jacket aside. Arthur unzipped his dress and slid it down his shoulders, stroking the revealed flesh as he did. Martin undid the buttons of his vest and then fumbled with those beneath before kneeling up to pull his dress over his head and cast it aside while Arthur tugged his shirt over his own head.

They paused to stare at each other. Arthur was pleasantly plump; the very picture of someone Martin would like to stretch across while fucking slowly and deeply. His nipples were firm in the cool room and Martin licked his lips greedily at the site of them. He had rather a big oral fixation. Arthur, however, was looking a bit… panicked.

“Something wrong?” Martin asked, almost forgetting the fake voice.

“N-no, just a bit… Um… Maybe we could take this a bit slower?”

Martin blinked in surprise, “How so?”

“Maybe I could… erm… return the favour from last time?”

“I thought that’s what we were doing?” Martin asked.

“Yes, but I rather had hoped _I’d_ be on top. Just this once, I mean. Not always. Just… until I get used to the fact your bits are the sticky-out kind and not the sticky-in kind.”

Martin smiled softly, “I’m sorry. I should have realized this was a bit much all at once. Of course we can slow down.”

Martin slid off of his lap to one side, stretching languorously on the bed, “Come and have me then.”

Arthur’s confidence returned and he rolled onto his side to run his hands over Martin’s chest, hesitating at his bra.

“Should… should I leave this on?”

_A transgender person might say yes…_

“Your call,” Martin smiled, “I like women’s clothes well enough, but I’m fully aware I’m male underneath. I’ve even been with women.”

“You have?” Arthur asked, “Was it as weird for you as this is for me?”

“No, quite lovely,” Martin replied with a smile, running his hand over his hips. He wanted to adjust his cock but he was afraid that Arthur would retreat. He was wearing panties this time, having tucked his prick, but somewhere amidst their groping it had shifted out from between his legs. Now his erect cock was peaking out from the leg of his panties rather uncomfortably. Arthur noticed and hesitantly motioned to it.

“You can fix that. I won’t lose it.”

Martin smiled in relief and slipped his cock back inside the panties, letting them press it up rather than off to one side. The pressure actually felt good, relieving some of his anxious arousal. Arthur smiled down at him, but _did_ look distinctly uncomfortable.

“So what shall we do then? A movie?” Martin suggested, _really_ hoping he didn’t take that option.

“I think… can I try something with you I’ve done with women?”

“Sure… assuming it’s possible.”

“I’d like to eat you out.”

Martin’s eyes widened, “You mean my…”

Arthur nodded with an eager smile.

“Just… give me a moment,” Martin replied, his throat catching as his arousal skyrocketed.

Martin hurried to the bathroom to make sure he was extra clean back there while taking calming breaths. He could count on one hand the amount of times a man or woman had agreed to perform analingus on him, and the amount of times they’d _offered_ was down to zero. It usually required begging and bargaining.

Martin returned after two full chocolate checks with an anxious grin on his face and plopped down on his belly with his panties back in place for visual stimulus. Arthur was smiling, his trousers off and his cock peaking out of his pants as he stroked it slowly to keep himself aroused. Martin lifted his bum in the air and wiggled it while smiling over his shoulder at Arthur, who bit his lip as he blushed with excitement before reaching up to ease the panties off of Martin’s rump.

“Gosh,” Arthur breathed, “You’re _gorgeous_. I didn’t know men- er _male bodied people_ \- could have such nice arses.”

 _There’s that filthy language I love_ , Martin thought as he groaned in arousal.

Arthur slid his hands up Martin’s thighs to cup his bottom, spreading his cheeks and leaning forward to breathe a hot air across his pucker; Martin gasped as it fluttered hungrily. Arthur moaned as he began to lathe his entrance in earnest, flickering his tongue, circling him, and then pointing it and pressing inside of him. Martin moaned and stroked his cock as pleasure curled through him. He knew he wouldn’t last for very long with Arthur’s tongue up his arse, but what sealed the deal was hearing him moan against him and struggle out of his pants to stroke himself frantically. The sound of flesh against flesh, sloppy slurping, and heated moans filled the room. It was beyond erotic, and the feel of his nerve endings being stimulated by tongue and Arthur’s hungry moans, drove his hand to move faster until he spilled himself across the bed with a strangled cry.

Arthur gave Martin’s rosebud a puckered kiss, popping off to kneel up. Martin glanced over his shoulder to see Arthur frantically tugging on his purpling cock. His eyes were focused on Martin’s bum, his free hand gripping his hip tightly enough to bruise.

“Oh, gods, Mary!” Arthur gasped, and came spectacularly across Martin’s backside and thighs.

“Mmm,” Martin purred, smiling at him contentedly, “You’re gorgeous when you come.”

“I’m… I probably should have asked before…” He gestured at the mess on Martin’s back end.

“It’s fine,” Martin replied, clearing his throat and pushing his voice high again, “It was perfect, actually. I’m no prude.”

“Obviously,” Arthur smiled, “You’re gorgeous too, you know.”

“Thank you,” Martin smiled, standing and moving to the bathroom, “I’m just going to clean up.”

“Ah yes, and I should brush my teeth,” Arthur agreed, standing and heading for the loo with him, “And maybe find Martin and apologize. Can we go back to your room?”

“I, ah, hadn’t checked in yet,” Martin explained, “So I haven’t got a room. The clerk’s probably not accepting room requests now so…”

“Oh… um… Just give me a moment then,” Arthur replied, brushing his teeth quickly.

“It’s fine,” Martin replied, “Honest. I can go and ummm…”

Arthur spat, “Don’t be silly. I don’t want you to go.”

Arthur pressed a kiss to Martin’s cheek and started to throw on his clothes, “We’ll ask Douglas to switch with me, then we can have his single room and he and Martin can have this one.”

“You think he’d mind? He seemed a bit… uptight.”

“Trust me,” Arthur grinned, “Martin and Douglas have a weak spot where I’m concerned. Mum says it’s because I’m the heart and soul of the crew.”

Martin melted a bit at that loving statement and smiled as Arthur rushed out of the room. Then he realized what was happening and rushed to dress before Douglas returned. The problem was _what would he wear_? He debated for as long as he dared and then dressed as Mary again; just in time for the door to open and Arthur to peer in to make sure ‘Mary’ was decent.

“Ah, here we are. I told you! Mary in the flesh!”

“So she is!” Douglas chuckled, “Why _hello_ my dear!”

“Hello, er… Dougle was it?”

“Douglas.”

“That’s right. Apologies.”

“Not a problem, _Mary_. I hear you’ve made quite the impression on our dear Arthur here.”

“He’s made quite the impression on me,” Martin replied, anxiously fussing with his make-up to make sure he still looked like Mary.

“So, can we have your room please?” Arthur asked.

“I suppose,” Douglas replied, “So long as you tell me which bed you two had sex on so I can avoid it like the plague.”

Martin opened his mouth to argue that they _hadn’t_ had sex, but Arthur was already pointing to the bed.

“Ah, yes, the one covered in stains,” Douglas replied, “How obvious. Well, goodnight… not that it already _hasn’t_ been for you two. Mary, it’s been a _pleasure_ to see you again.”

“Oh, you too, Douglas.”

“Say goodnight to Martin for me,” Arthur chirped.

“Will do,” Douglas replied with a wink.

XXX

They left their room arm in arm the next morning, and _of course_ they passed Caroline on the way. She stood at the elevators, clearly there due to Douglas’ interference since she wasn’t even staying in the same motel. She rode down in the elevator with them, her face mottled and her expression one of confusion and perhaps even fear.

“So… Mary.”

“Ms. Knapp-Shappey,” Martin acknowledged.

“I understand you’re seeing my son… rather seriously now.”

“He’s quite the charmer, eh he he he,” Martin replied anxiously.

“He is indeed. _My_ charming _son_ ,” She snapped, her tone turning angry.

“Mum!” Arthur gaped, “Why are you acting like this? I thought you’d be happy I’m back on the horse.”

“Yes, but I’d rather it were a _mare_ , if you catch my drift.”

“Mother! How _could_ you! Mary, I am _so_ sorry,” The elevator dinged open and Arthur shoved ‘Mary’ out of it, “Just give me a moment with my mother and I’ll smooth this all out.”

Arthur hit the door-closed button and Martin fled for the stairs, taking them two at a time to reach the second floor where he burst into the room he was supposed to have been sharing with Douglas. It was blessedly empty so he stripped off his dress, shoved himself into his uniform, washed the make-up off his face, and was just applying the pomade to his hair when Douglas walked in.

“Hello Martin,” Douglas grinned maliciously, “You certainly had a long night. Hook up with someone did you?”

“Shut up, Douglas.”

“You know I’m getting _very_ tired of you saying that to me. Someone who’s getting as much sex as you _should_ be in a better mood.”

“Yeah, well I’m not. No thanks to _you_ sending Caroline after us! Whatever happened to the Man Code?! She’s going at Arthur _right now_ over bedding a man! You really think he needs that?”

“I think what he _doesn’t need_ is to be used for _sex_ by someone who I _thought_ had higher moral standards!” Douglas boomed.

Martin spun about, hand towel still in his grasp, and gaped at Douglas, “I am _not_ using him for sex!”

“Then what do you call you hooking up for him and then vanishing into the morning hours. _Twice_.”

“Dating in disguise! What the hell am I supposed to do? He hasn’t figured out that I’m Mary yet!”

“And I suppose it didn’t occur to you to tell him _before_ taking him to bed with you?”

“How could I?” Martin snapped, “With what happened on our first date, in which _you_ convinced him I was a transvestite named _Mary_?!”

“What _did_ happen on your first date that’s so irreversible now?”

Martin groaned leaning back against the sink and rubbing at his face, “We got on!”

“Sorry?” Douglas asked.

“We got on! Enormously so. He was charming and sweet and considerate and an excellent conversationalist.”

“Meaning you two talked planes all night.”

“And polar bears. And you. And me. And Caroline, but it wasn’t just what or whom we talked about. Douglas, _we clicked_.”

Douglas was holding his sides he was laughing so hard, but Martin only got angrier.

“Damn it, Douglas, I’m serious! I care about him!”

A rap at the door brought them both to a standstill and Douglas wiped the tears from his eyes before answering it. Arthur and Caroline came walking in, Caroline looking oddly subdued.

“Hello Martin, Douglas,” Arthur stated, his head held high, “Have either of you seen Mary?”

“Mary?” Douglas asked, a look of surprise on his face as he threw a questioning look at Caroline. Evidently things weren’t going according to plan.

“Yes, I was hoping she came up to leave a message with one of you. I still haven’t gotten her proper number.”

Douglas and Caroline were having a conversation consisting of entirely hand gestures and glares behind Arthur’s back as he anxiously straightened his collar in the mirror.

Martin swallowed his misery and faced Arthur dead on, “Listen, Arthur. I think there’s something you should know about Mary.”

“She hasn’t got a phone,” Douglas spat out.

“What?” Martin and Arthur asked.

“She’s down on her luck,” Douglas stated, “Poor thing. She was too ashamed to tell you. The airline she’s working for barely pays her enough to survive. A mobile is a luxury and no one does _landlines_ anymore.”

“Oh goodness!” Arthur replied, looking haggard, “I must have embarrassed her terribly!”

“I’m _sure_ she forgives you,” Martin intoned, giving Douglas a confused look.

“Of course she would!” Caroline chirped, looking anxious, “I’m a woman too, so I know _exactly_ how she’d feel.”

“And I’ve been married to several women,” Douglas added, “And divorced, and never were my divorces due to a phone number. My dear boy, you’re sure to hear from her again. She’s probably just off… erm… powdering her nose.”

“Or perhaps she realized she had to get to the airport in order to make her flight,” Martin interjected.

“Yes!” Caroline chirped, “Why there were three flights taking off before us, she might be on one of those!”

“Where one of them the Dairy Airways?” Arthur asked hopefully.

Douglas lost it and Martin had a fairly difficult time keeping a straight face as well.

“You know, I think it was. Is that her airline?” Caroline asked, maintaining a calm front.

“Oh, my poor thing! She must be so upset over not getting to say goodbye. And me not having a way to contact her! What must she _think_ of me?!” Arthur despaired.

“Now you calm yourself _right now_ ,” Caroline scolded, “I’m going to get on the phone and contact the airline. They’ll put me in touch with her via a service phone at the airport if I have to stop three _dozen_ flights in their tracks!”

“Oh, would you mum?” Arthur asked, his mother once more a hero in his eyes.

“For you, Arthur, anything… especially if it keeps you happy and _silent_. Now… I’m just going to pop over to the other room to make the call with Arthur while _MARTIN_ finishes getting ready for today’s flight.”

Martin gave them a bewildered look while Arthur bounced out of the room like a happy puppy on Caroline’s heels. A few minutes later Martin’s mobile rang.

“Now you listen here you pompous _JACKASS_!” Caroline boomed into the phone.

“Caroline I…”

“SHUT UP!”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I want to speak to the woman who has stolen my only child’s heart, and I do _not_ want any flack given about it or you’ll be out of a job! Do you understand me?!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Martin croaked.

“Her name is Mary Captain and she’s a stewardess aboard Dairy Airways. Now you get that sweet girl on the phone _this instant_ you despicable arse bandit!”

“Caroline!” Martin gasped.

“You worthless chutney ferret!”

“Oh, now that’s just uncall-“

“You useless limp wristed, marmite miner!”

“Oh, that ones a bit funny,” Martin snickered.

“ON THE DOUBLE BATTY BOY!”

“Mum…” Martin heard Arthur pitch in on the other side of the phone, “Considering the fact that myself might now be considered part of the bent persuasion, perhaps it would be considerate of yourself to…”

“Arthur, song of my heart, do shut up.”

“Ahem,” Martin stated in Mary’s voice, “Hello? This is Mary.”

“Ah, Mary, my dear. I do believe we got off on the wrong foot earlier. You see I’m very protective of my _only son_ , and I wouldn’t want some _todger_ I mean _dodgy_ young woman to break is heart.”

“I assure you I have only the best of intentions with Arthur,” Martin replied sincerely.

“You’d better!”

“Mum!” Arthur whinged.

“I mean, here he is to say his farewell!”

Caroline passed the phone to Arthur and Martin felt his face go red instantly at the sound of his voice.

“Hello Mary, I’m glad you got to the airport safely.”

“I… um…”

“Gods,” Douglas grimaced, “You’re blushing like a schoolgirl!”

Martin waived him off and hurried into the bathroom for some privacy.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see you off properly,” Arthur tried, “Are you mad?”

“No darling!” Martin replied, “Your mum is just looking out for you. She seems an awfully strong woman. You must admire her ever so much.”

“Oh, I do. She’s my best friend! We live together and everything… or… I suppose that sounds a bit pathetic.”

“Not more so than living in the attic of a student lodging,” Martin sighed.

“Oh, Skipper lives in one of those. You two have so much in common. Pity you’re never around at the same time.”

Martin winced, but Arthur was oblivious, as always, “Will I see you again?”

“Absolutely! I can’t wait!” Arthur cheered, “How can I get in touch with you?”

“I’ll just… swing by the airport. You can give me a tour of GERTI! I’ve heard ever so much about her!”

“That would be smashing!” Arthur chirped.

“I… I should go,” Martin whispered, noticing Douglas picking the bathroom lock, “I… I really enjoyed our time together.”

“So did I,” Arthur replied softly, “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, even if you have got the sticky-outy parts that are a bit confusing for me at the moment.”

Martin swallowed down a laugh, “You, too.”

“Goodbye, Mary.”

“Goodbye, Arthur.”

 

***Dairy Airways was a play on Airy Dairy Fairy- a slang term for a gay flight attendant. Please don’t use this as it IS offensive… even if it’s a bit adorable and makes me thing of pinching Arthur’s pudgy cheeks. (The ones on his face, don’t be fresh!) Most of the rest of the terms used in this chapter were offensive as well.**

****If you’d like to know about UNoffensive terms[here](http://itspronouncedmetrosexual.com/2013/01/a-comprehensive-list-of-lgbtq-term-definitions/) is a site with that info for you, and I’m available to answer questions for what I do know (though I’m by no means an expert on all there is). **


	3. Little Black Dress

Martin had never been pressed up against the door of a flight deck so fast in his life. Then again, he’d never _actually_ had sex on a plane before, so either way Arthur snogging him senseless on the flight deck was a whole new thrill. He managed to knock his boyfriends cap off, but then he had a good excuse seeing as how he’d just stuck his hand up his [little black dress](http://www.angeldress.co.uk/blog/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/a-line-bateau-chiffon-with-pleats-sleeveless-short-length-little-black-dresses_120509012.jpg). Martin’s head flew back and hit the door, gasping for breath as he was firmly stroked.

“Gods. Arthur. _Slow down_ ,” Martin gasped, “Just once I’d like to not humiliate myself.”

“There is absolutely nothing,” Arthur kissed down his neck, “Humiliating about you coming all over me.”

“Oh _gods_!” Martin gasped, “Arthur!”

“Mmm,” Arthur agreed, which was as much of ‘Mary’ as he got out once they really got going.

Martin reached down and got Arthur’s cock out, lining them up and showing his clumsy lover how to rub their cocks off together. Arthur was immediately an enthusiast, rolling his hips and moaning as their joint hands and the slide of their pre-come slickened cocks drove him wild.

“Oh gods,” He gasped, “You turn me on so bleeding much! Mary! Fuck! Yes!”

Martin’s eyes rolled in his head. The sound of sweet cheery Arthur turning filthy and obscene in bed was enough to drive him wild.

“I can’t wait until I fuck your arse,” Arthur gasped, “Bend you over and take you till you’re raw.”

Martin came with a strangled scream, his cock pulsing out between them all over the inside of his dress as it draped over their members. Arthur, however, stopped immediately, leaving Martin to sag against the door.

“I want… I want… Mary will you?” Arthur asked, eyes flashing with want and his normally cherubic face turned molten with desire.

“Anything!” Martin gasped.

“Suck me off,” Arthur growled, and Martin’s knees hit the ground with a resounding thud.

He swallowed the taller man down with a hungry groan, working his cock slowly as he lapped up his own come from Arthur’s throbbing prick. He was so hard it was hard to believe he’d been able to stop himself. His patience didn’t last as he grabbed Martin’s hair and fucked his face fast and hard. Martin gagged, braced himself, and set about gulping down Arthur’s spunk as it emptied down his throat.

“Oh,” Martin sighed as Arthur staggered back and clutched Martin’s own seat to stop himself falling over, “Oh, that was _divine_.”

“I love that you like stuff like that,” Arthur smiled, struggling with his clothes, “You’re no prude.”

“No, I mentioned I wasn’t,” Martin sighed happily struggling to his feet, “The inside of my dress bares evidence of that!”

“Oh, damn, shall I take you home so you can change?”

“No, that’s alright. Pass me those tissues there and I’ll see if I can get it cleaned up. It’s just the inside, after all.”

“A whole week!” Arthur sighed, “I was starting to think I wouldn’t see you again.”

“With that libido you’ll have trouble getting rid of me,” Martin teased.

“I’ve been looking up restaurants in the area that are open to LGBTQIA folk and I’ve found a few I’d like to take you to. Do you like to dance?”

“I _love_ to,” Martin replied sincerely, “Whether or not I’m _good_ at it, you’ll just have to find out for yourself. Erm… Arthur?”

“Yes?”

“Why do you assume… I’ll be on the bottom if and when we first…?”

“Oh… is that no good?” Arthur frowned, “Bollocks, I’m just no good at this. I thought maybe you being transgender you’d prefer the more passive role.”

“Well… sometimes, yes, but I consider myself versatile and I wouldn’t really call myself transgender. More of a… crossdresser, really.”

“Oh… what’s the difference?”

“I don’t really think of myself as a woman. I mean… I like being pretty like this,” Martin decided he really did, “But I still think of myself as a man. Just… a man in drag, is all.”

“Oh, okay so… we’ll switch off then?”

“For your first time, unless you’ve done anal with women before, it would probably be best if I topped. For safety sake.”

“I have done,” Arthur replied, “But I don’t mind bottoming being that it’s you. I trust you.”

Arthur stepped forward and kissed him tenderly and Martin felt a horrid barrage of guilt and love all at once.

“Now,” Martin smiled up into Arthur’s eyes, “How about that dinner?”

“Oh, I can’t tonight,” Arthur groaned, “I have a flight in a few hours. I’m supposed to be tidying the plane and defrosting meals as it is.”

Martin knew that, of course, but he hadn’t been able to resist getting a snog in before hand. He’d missed Arthur but between his van job to support himself financially and flying GERTI he never had time for his adorably oblivious lover.

“Pity,” Martin sighed, “When are you free next?”

They compared schedules with Martin using his van business as his ‘flight schedule’ and agreed to meet at Caroline’s for dinner in three days. Arthur kissed him endlessly until they absolutely had to part, then he fled to the nearest shed to change into Martin and board the plane grinning like an idiot.

Their dinner, as it turned out, was at Caroline’s where he was forced to sit awkwardly through her trying to be nice to him while hating him violently. In the course of the past week between the last time he’d seen Arthur as ‘Mary’, both Caroline and Douglas had pulled him aside to explain to him why he couldn’t just tell Arthur the truth. Apparently the poor sod was in love with him, so much so that he’d threatened to move out of his mother’s house if she didn’t show ‘Mary’ respect, an action that he’d literally never considered and that would be catastrophic for everyone and MJN Air since it literally ran on the fumes of Arthur’s boisterous attitude. Namely, Caroline only kept the plane because it made Arthur happy to fly. And now Mary made Arthur happy. So she must be kept.

Martin managed to not throw up from anxiety during the meal, but of course it helped that it was _very_ good. A zucchini dish that Arthur kept giving him heated stares over while they played footsies. Martin found that stockings were an entirely different level of erotic and wished he’d worn them more often rather than just shaving his legs. They didn’t have a chance to do more than flirt that day, so Martin was especially hot for him when the boarded the plane the next day. So much so that it caused him a few… problems.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen this is your First Officer speaking. We are currently flying over Edinburg and in three hours we’ll be reaching our destination in Leeds. Please note that the seatbelt sign is now off and you are free to move about the plane, with the exception of the flight deck because it’s _my preciousssss_.”

Martin and Douglas had a good laugh when he hung up and were still chuckling when Arthur stepped in. Martin had to clear his throat twice before he could speak because his voice kept trying to go to an automatic falsetto. Arthur gave him a worried look and put his hand on his shoulder.

“You okay Skip?”

“Ahem! Fine, yes, thank you Arthur. How was your um… date.”

 “Brilliant!” Arthur chirped, “She’s really just fantastic!”

“Uh huh,” Martin grinned, “So you two are getting on well?”

“Yes but… well… she might be mad at me soon.”

“Mad at you?” Martin asked, instantly worried.

“I did something a bit stupid,” Arthur explained.

“It took this long?” Douglas asked in surprise, “My dear boy, she should be proud!”

“I know!” Arthur stated, “That’s what I said, but Mum says it was _monumentally_ stupid and now I’m really, really worried. In fact, I’m not sure I’m going to tell her.”

“Good idea,” Douglas stated, “Women are best served in the dark, and that can be used in _two_ contexts so you’d better write it down…”

“No, no,” Martin cut in, “Absolute honest. That’s what makes a lasting relationship. Whatever you’ve gone and done you had better just _fess up_ to it, bucko!”

“Are you sure you’re okay, Skip?” Arthur worried, “Your voice sounded a bit funny.”

“Laryngitis,” Douglas stated.

“Squishy cheese in my throat,” Martin announced, grabbing his water and taking a sip.

“Oh, both at once? That’s just awful! Should I take the cheese tray away?”

“No!” Douglas and Martin both snapped.

“Ahem,” Martin tried again, “That’s fine Arthur, I’ll manage with it just fine. Listen, why don’t you tell _us_ what the _monumentally_ stupid thing you did was and then we’ll tell you if you should confess to Mary. Okay?”

“What a great idea Skip!”

“No,” Douglas cut in, “No it is _not_! It’s a terrible idea.”

“Oh, really?” Arthur worried, “Because I was rather hoping to get your point of view on it, Douglas.”

“Me? Really?” Douglas asked in surprise.

“Well, seeing as how you cheated on two of your wives and all…”

The warning bells for the plane went off and Martin frantically corrected their height while swearing under his breath.

“So,” He snapped once the plane was level again, “You cheated on Mary, did you?”

“Well _I_ don’t think of it as cheating, but Mum does,” Arthur replied, “I think of it more as warming up for Mary. Hey, what’s that sound? The plane isn’t falling apart, is it?”

“No,” Douglas replied, “That would be the sound of Martin grinding his teeth.”

“Oh,” Arthur replied, “Your throat again, Skip? I’ll get you some juice. That will help.”

Arthur left and Martin looked around for something to hit, settling on twisting in his seat and punching the back of it.

“I can’t believe this! I can’t _believe_ he would do this to me!”

“You mean to Mary,” Douglas pointed out, “Who isn’t exactly his idea of the perfect woman.”

“He said he loves me!”

“He said he loves _her_ , and she’s fake. It stands to reason his emotions would be false as well.”

“How can you be so calm about this?! After that lecture about how _not_ going down on Arthur means MJN Air goes down instead!”

“Well it seems to me that everything is just playing out naturally. Our goal will have been met. Arthur will have made it with his first boy _and_ a girl, so he’ll go back to his cheerful self and you can go back to dating people who actually _like_ cock. Win win.”

Martin sat there breathing carefully and telling himself he was _not_ going to cry. Arthur returned with his juice and worriedly ran a hand over his forehead to see if he was feverish.

“You don’t look so good Skip,” Arthur worried, “Maybe we should divert. Have Douglas take control.”

“A _very_ good idea,” Douglas replied, hitting the relevant switches, “Though not the diverting part. Caroline would have our hides.”

“Why don’t you distract me from my feeling ill by telling me about this person you cheated on _dear sweat Mary_ with. Must be something, eh?” Martin snarled, “A _real_ woman, was she?”

“Oh, it wasn’t a woman. It wasn’t a person at all. It was a zucchini,” Arthur replied, “No, there’s no one else for me but Mary, that’s for sure.”

“You know- he asked with a great deal of trepidation- I’m going to need more details to fully comprehend that situation,” Douglas replied.

“And _please_ tell me lube was involved,” Martin pleaded, his jaw dropping.

“Oh, gosh, loads of it. See Mary told me she’d like to be the one on top… in gay-speak that means she’ll be sticking her penis in my bumhole, not that she’ll necessarily be the one _physically_ on top. Lots of positions let you top while being on the bottom too. It’s all very confusion.”

“Get to the part with the cucumber,” Martin cut in.

“Zucchini,” Arthur corrected.

“Whatever,” Martin and Douglas snapped.

“Well,” Arthur continued, “I’ve never _had_ anything in my bum so I figured I’d better practice. So after the last time we saw each other I went home and stuck my fingers in one at a time.”

“I may be sick,” Douglas decided, “Martin, take control.”

“Uh oh,” Arthur worried, “Was it the food? Because I told mum that using the same sauce on both wasn’t regulation.”

“Never mind,” Martin replied, taking control once again, “What happened after the fingers?”

“Well, I didn’t like it at first, but then I gave it another go when I was feeling frisky and… well, I just went off like a _rocket_.”

“R-really,” Martin swallowed heavily, shifting in his seat as his arousal made itself known, “I suppose that’s good news for Mary.”

“A bit, yeah. So then I figured I’d better make sure I can take more than just two fingers in, because that took a bit of getting used to, so the morning of our date I spent hours with a zucchini I found in the fridge that was about the same size as her knob.”

“The same… the same morning as your date?” Martin asked.

“I washed it first… and after…” Arthur explained, “Mum says that wasn’t enough and that I ought to have thrown it out.”

Martin bit his knuckles, and the cabin was silent a moment.

“Arthur… who ate the arse zucchini?” Douglas asked, his tone alarmed.

“I really _did_ wash it _very_ well,” Arthur sighed.

“Arthur. _Who ate it_?”

“Mary did. Or me. We’re not entirely sure. See I set it aside to show it to Mary after dinner but Mum put it in her casserole. She makes to those little individual ones on different trays and both mine and Mary’s were shaped like hearts while Mum’s was shaped like a diamond. The heart ones look better when you make a red dish like mini-lasagna, but Mum was in the mood for zucchini so…”

“So Caroline is _sure_ ,” Martin cut in, “That the bum zucchini went into either yours or Mary’s dish?”

“Yeah, it’s a 50/50 shot, but you see I don’t think it’s cheating because I was doing it _for_ her. And I don’t think I need to tell her she might have eaten it because I’ve already eaten her arse out and she’s likely to eat mine out at some point too. Like I said, I washed it before and after- my bum too- so there’s really _no harm_. What do you chaps think?”

Douglas stared straight ahead, apparently at a loss for words for the first time in his life, his face contorted in horror. Martin found his voice first.

“I think you should tell her.”

“What?”

“I think you had better tell her _right away_.”

“What now?” Douglas laughed, “We’re in the air. We can’t call anyone.”

“Oh! I know this one! You can on airplane mode,” Arthur replied, “Except my phone doesn’t seem to work that way at all.”

“You can call her if we fly low enough for the cell towers to reach your phone and you take it _off_ airplane mode,” Martin explained, “Descending now. Arthur, go call Mary from the commissary. She’ll need to hear from you right away if she’s ever to forgive you. Wait and it will just seem like you don’t care enough to let her know.”

“Gee, thanks Skipper. I hope you’re right and she forgives me,” Arthur worried, heading for the commissary.

“Douglas I suggest you use the loo,” Martin stated, hurriedly rooting in his pocket for the cheep mobile he’d gotten to be Mary’s phone.

“Good _gods_ you’re not turned on by this?!” Douglas asked staring at him in horror when he realized Martin was undoing his trousers.

“Just _go_ ,” Martin snapped, “I’ll call you when it’s safe to come back.”

“Are you going to fly like that?” Douglas asked, his tone a bit impressed.

“ _Hurry_ ,” Martin snapped, switching the mobile on. It rang instantly and he cleared his throat and answered as Mary just as Douglas fled the cabin.

“Hello, Arthur! What a surprise! I thought you were flying today.”

“Well… I am. I’m calling to tell you something I’ve done and I hope you won’t be mad at me.”

“What on earth is it, darling?” Martin asked, his hand working over his cock while he balanced the mobile against his ear and kept the plane level with his knee.

“I may have sort of… fed you some arse zucchini.”

“I’m not sure I follow.”

“I mean I…” Arthur was panting a bit and Martin grinned as he realized he wasn’t the only one getting off on this, “I was practicing getting my bumhole big enough for you and I sort of… accidentally… set the thing I used for it by the heart shaped pans Mum made our dinners out of. _After washing it, though_. See, that’s the important bit. I _did_ wash it _really_ well.”

“Accidentally or on purpose?” Martin teased.

“A bit on purpose, but mostly accidentally,” Arthur confessed, his breath coming faster.

“Tell me what you did with it,” Martin breathed, his voice a sultry purr.

“I… stuck it in my mouth first. You know just… sucked on it. I pictured your cock when I did. I’m ready to do that, Mary. I’m ready to suck your- _oh!_ – suck your dick!”

“Mmm, then what?”

“I smeared it over with lube and… and I fingered myself for a bit while staring at it.”

“Did you find your p-spot?”

“That button that makes me jump?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Yeah. It’s so good, Mary,” Arthur groaned.

“Then what, darling?”

“I… I put it inside me. Just the tip. It was soooo big and it burned and… oh gods, Mary!”

“K-keep going!” Martin gasped, his cock leaking as his hand flew over it, tugging on his foreskin.

“I… I finally decided I _had_ to finish it so… so I… I took a deep breath, and bared down a bit like I’d done with my fingers, and… and…”

“Yes!” Martin gasped.

“I fucked myself with it! Oh gods, Mary, I fucked myself with it until I _came_ screaming your name and it was _so good!”_

Martin came with a gasp, the plane wobbling as he did, and an echo of something knocking reached his ears from Arthur’s connection.

“You okay, my love?”

“Yes,” Arthur gasped, “Just a bit of turbulence. I… I enjoyed that a bit.”

“So did I,” Martin replied, “I should go though. My plane’s about to take off and I’m locked in the loo being absolutely _filthy_!”

“Oh gods,” Arthur groaned, “Does this count as the mile high club?”

“Not quite.”

“I want to do that with you, Mary. I want you inside me while we’re soaring up in the clouds together.”

Martin groaned and pushed the plane to a higher altitude, “I’m… I’m losing you.”

“Good bye,” Arthur spat out, “I love you!”

Martin opened his mouth to reply but the call had cut out. He hung up his mobile and slipped it in his pocket, evening out the plane and cleaning himself up. Air traffic control was shouting through the muted comm and he answered it after he’d buttoned up.

“I read you tower, we had a bit of an equipment malfunction here but we’re ascending again and the problem has been corrected. Sorry for the worry.”

ATC had a few choice words for him, but a returning Douglas managed to talk them out of fines or charges. Martin was silent for the rest of the flight and Douglas had a very good reason to avoid eye contact with him… although he _did_ seem just the slightest bit proud.

 

[airplane mode](http://www.cnet.com/how-to/how-and-when-to-use-airplane-mode-on-iphone/) including some useful tips on saving the battery on your mobile!


	4. A Shirt Named GERTI

Between dating Arthur, running his delivery service, and flying GERTI for literally nothing, Martin was exhausted. The pretence alone was enough to distress him as he fell deeper and deeper in love with Arthur only to have to _lie_ to him every day! He’d tried arguing it out with Douglas and Caroline only to have them shout him down every time. Arthur was happy. Arthur didn’t understand dishonesty. Arthur would be devastated and it would ruin _everything_. It wasn’t worth the fallout to tell him. It became a juggling act that wore on him in more ways than one. He stopped joking with Douglas. He stopped hanging about the airfield when he had a rare moment off. He just slept, ate, snogged Arthur, worked, and flew.

“Skip?” Arthur asked, stepping into the portacabin where Martin and Douglas were doing paperwork, “Are you still upset with me for dating a transvestite?”

“What?” Martin asked, squeaking a bit as he often did around Arthur lately.

“It’s just we never chat anymore and I know you were upset about it from the door and all.”

“I what?” Martin asked, not recalling the conversation.

“Well you were against us dating at first, remember? You said I shouldn’t revise my sexuality for one person.”

“Oh. Well. I… I didn’t mean it like that. I’m glad you’re with Mary. You’re happy with her. I’m happy _for_ you. Both.”

“If it helps,” Douglas stated, “He’s not been overly chatty with _me_ either.”

“I’m just tired,” Martin sighed, “I’m working an awful lot- not just here- and it’s wearing me down. So… erm… what’s up with you both?”

“Well, I’ve got a friend who’s been sleeping with another friend of mine and they both work together. Bit awkward that,” Douglas announced casually.

“Wow, that _is_ awkward,” Arthur agreed, “Workplace romances are _never_ a good idea.”

“No, no they’re not,” Martin agreed miserably.

“Would you chaps like to see the shirt Mary got me?” Arthur chirped eagerly.

“Sure,” Martin agreed readily, eager to hear what Arthur really thought of it.

The young man pulled out the shirt and Martin laughed cheerily at the joke on it.

“The _Molar_ Bear! Fighting Against Enamel Cruelty!” Martin nudged Douglas, “Get it!”

“Gee, I don’t know,” Douglas replied, his expression aghast, “Is it a play on words?”

“Yeah it is!” Arthur replied happily, “I really love it. Mary knows me so well. My love of polar bears and catch phrases expressed in one shirt! She’s _brilliant_.”

“It’s a shame the shirt doesn’t say that!” Douglas chimed in.

“Yeah, but you can only ask so much of one shirt,” Arthur nodded sagely, “Otherwise it would just be crowded.”

“Wouldn’t that be _awful_?” Douglas asked.

“It’s a very nice shirt,” Martin stated, “I’m glad she shares your interests.”

“She’s so wonderful,” Arthur sighed, “It’s a pity I don’t get to see her more often. It’s been a month now! We’re both so busy. It’s making me think about leaving the whole MJN Air thing.”

“WHAT?!” Martin and Douglas gasped.

“Well, it’s just that you guys aren’t as fun as you used to be and being up in the air like this isn’t as brilliant when I’m missing Mary. I mean we used to have _fun_. We used to play _games._ Now you both are just sour as lemons all the time and it just makes me wish I was on the ground with Mary, or better yet, up in the air with her somewhere else.”

“Why don’t you have Caroline get her a job here?” Douglas suggested, clearly concerned about his job.

“What? But then what would _I_ do?!” Martin stammered.

“Who cares?” Douglas retorted irritably, “You don’t even get _paid_ to work here, and you heard Arthur, you’re no fun anymore!”

“Stop it! Both of you!” Arthur snapped, “You’re being awful to each other! What on earth has come between you two?”

“You want to know what’s come between us?!” Martin shouted, standing up and tugging on his blazer angrily, “MARY has come between us!”

“What has Mary got to do with…?” Arthur stammered.

“I hate her!” Martin shouted, “I hate her and I wish you two had never met! _I_ love you, Arthur! Not Mary! _I love you_! And it’s bloody killing me that you don’t love _me_ back!”

So saying he stepped forward, grasped Arthur by his vest, and pulled him into a brutal kiss.

From which Arthur struggled to free himself, blowing a raspberry against his lips, and then shoving him hard enough to send him into a filing cabinet.

Douglas came between them before Arthur could chin Martin as he was clearly planning while Martin huddled on the floor with tears in his eyes and his hands thrown protectively over his face.

“Now Arthur, if you’ll just calm down a minute...”

“I will not! He’s got no right touching me! I’m a taken man, and I don’t just go kissing any old bloke just because my girlfriend’s got a penis!”

Caroline came in on that pretty speech and stared around them in surprise, “What’s going on here?”

“Martin is in love with Arthur and hates Mary,” Douglas sighed, casting an apologetic look at Martin “And Arthur is unhappy without Mary here at MJN Air.”

“Well then, that’s rather easily fixed. Martin, you’re fired. Douglas, you’re pilot. I’ll call Mary and offer her a job. If I can convince her to take her ATPL maybe I can put her in as co-pilot!”

“You can’t do this to me!” Martin sobbed, struggling to his feet.

“You just sexually assaulted my son,” Caroline stormed, “I can do what I jolly well please. Now run along. Perhaps your next position will be a _paid_ _one_ from which you’d decidedly _benefit_.”

Martin took the hint. He was meant to be Mary as the co-pilot and actually be paid to fly GERTI. As a fraud. After a year and a half of flying as Captain. While continuing to lie to the man he loved while subsequently losing the friendship that love had been based on. Martin shoved his way past them all, binning Mary’s mobile as he neared the parking lot and it began to ring. He’d not live with the lies anymore.

XXX

It took a full week for Caroline to swallow her pride and show up at Martin’s doorway, her shoulders nearly brushing the walls of his narrow stairwell.

“Martin, enough is enough. Arthur is distraught. You look awful, what’s the matter with you?”

“Go away, Caroline,” Martin sighed, “I have a job in an hour and I’m exhausted. I’ve not slept in ages.”

“Well of course not! That’s only right and proper karma from torturing my son!”

“You _selfish hag_ ,” Martin snarled, “I’m done with the lies! I can’t take it anymore!”

“Look,” Caroline braced herself for negotiation, “I understand that he’s irritating. I do. I live with him. I put up with it _constantly_. Thankfully, like an unbroken puppy he can be trained.”

“I love Arthur _just the way he is_ ,” Martin snapped, “I don’t like loving him the way _I was_. As _Mary_.”

“No, no, no, unacceptable. Martin, you’ve already shocked the boy into a new sexuality- one that inconceivably includes squash- his only coping mechanism is calling ‘he’ a ‘she’. You’ll _break_ him.”

“Well you’ve already broken me, so you’ll have to find Arthur a new tranny to bed,” Martin replied, shutting the door in her face.

Caroline wasn’t to be ignored and pounded on the door until he opened it again.

“Move. I have a job to do,” Martin snapped.

“I think perhaps you missed my subtle hints last time we spoke at the airfield. I intend to _pay you_ to fly co-pilot as Mary.”

“I didn’t miss them, I ignored them. It was always my dream to be a captain, so much so that I was willing to do so without pay. What makes you think that I’ll be happy with being Douglas’ First now that I’ve tasted the better option? You think _money_ is going to sway me? And to continue lying to the man I _love_? Being without him is better. At least I can hate myself without being an exhausted liar who lost the job he loves as well.”

“Martin, be reasonable!” Caroline pleaded.

“Move or I shall call the police!”

“He’s devastated without you!”

“He’s devastated WITHOUT MARY!” Martin shouted, “He never called my name in bed, never whispered that he loved _me_ , he loved someone else! Someone who never bloody existed! Do you know what that _does_ to a person?!”

“Oh, come off it! We’re all just a bit fake in a relationship! You were honest about the important things!”

“If that’s what you really think of a marriage than it’s no wonder yours all ended!”

“Marriage?!” She scoffed, “You were only dating! He’d have lost interest in you eventually, if you didn’t bugger off in the first place. The least you could do is break up with him nicely and stay friends like most of those petty girls did!”

Martin paused to walk into his room and returned with a small ring box, “This was my father’s. Give it to Arthur. Tell him Mary had to leave urgently- family matter, whatever- but that she loves him and always will. Tell him she isn’t coming back. Now you’d better leave because I really _am_ going to call the police.”

XXX

It was Arthur at his door next, standing there with tears in his eyes and the box clutched in his hands. Martin waved him in and they stood in the limited room that was his tiny attic home. Some of his things were already packed up. He was leaving in a week to move to Leeds where his sister Caitlin had promised to get him a job on a plane. He’d only be a Second Officer, but it would be _something_ and he’d have his pride; that and the hotel accommodations proved to be a good deal more respectable with a proper airline.

“I like your hair without all that pomade. And you’re wearing my shirt,” Arthur noticed.

Martin glanced down at it. He’d been washing it nearly daily so he could keep wearing it. The only gift Arthur had given him that suited Martin as well as Mary. It was a shirt he’d had made up for Mary so she could think of him when they were apart. It read Gulf Echo Romeo Tango India and had a stencil of GERTI in the background. Martin loved it.

“I thought you might like this back,” Arthur said softly, “For your next job, and all.”

Martin took the box from him slowly, blinking back tears, “Thanks.”

“It was a smart thing you did, tricking mum into thinking it was a ring or something. It took me a full day to open it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see a ring I’d never get to properly wear. Once I saw what was in it I demanded a proper explanation. They spilled the beans.”

Martin opened the box and stared sadly down at his pilot’s wings. He’d ripped them straight off of his jacket, taking the cloth with it and including a button from his MJN Air uniform. Even Arthur had to see that it belonged to Martin Crieff.

“I think I knew. A bit. Well, a lot,” Arthur said sadly, “I just… I didn’t want it to end, you know?”

“Funny,” Martin laughed bitterly, “I couldn’t stop _wanting_ it to end.”

“Was I that rubbish?” Arthur asked miserably.

“No. Gods, no,” Martin replied, finally meeting his eyes, “I wasn’t lying about loving you, Arthur.”

Arthur looked torn, “I just… I just don’t understand _why_. Mum told me she told you to. Douglas told me it was for my own good. This doesn’t feel very good, Skip.”

“It was…” Martin didn’t know how to answer. Stupid? A mistake? An error in judgement? One of Douglas’ plans that finally went wrong? “The best mistake I’ve ever made and I’m unendingly sorry that I’ve hurt you.”

“Looks like you were hurt too,” Arthur replied, reaching a hand out to brush a tear from Martin’s cheek.

“Gods I just… Can I just kiss you once as me?” Martin pleaded hand hesitantly brushing Arthur’s lapels.

“Yes, please,” Arthur replied with a shy smile.

Martin stepped forward as if in a dream, wrapping his arms around Arthur’s neck as the sweet young man’s lips came down to press against his. For a moment it was bliss. No lipstick to worry about smearing, no fear that Arthur would notice something amiss, no timeline hanging over his head. They simply held each other tightly and let their tongues weave in and out of their mouths until they were exhausted from the kiss. It wasn’t arousing so much as warm and comforting, and when the kiss ended- as he knew it must- Martin rested his head on Arthur’s shoulder and simply let himself drift in his warmth and scent. Arthur’s arms stayed around him, holding him firmly but not tightly, and they stood until their knees ached and then stood a while longer.

“I should let you go,” Martin sighed.

“Do you have to?” Arthur wondered.

“I’m not _there_ anymore. It’s all ruined.”

“It doesn’t have to be.”

“I’m leaving Fitton.”

“I don’t want you to.”

“I can’t stay here. It hurts too much.”

“Then come stay with me. Mum’s house is plenty big.”

“Gods,” Martin laughed, “Now _that_ sounds painful!”

“I love you, Martin.”

“I love you, Arthur,” Martin replied, the words sounding strange when said in his own voice.

[http://society6.com/zachterrell/molar-bear-gentlemens-edition_t-shirt#11=49&4=136](http://society6.com/zachterrell/molar-bear-gentlemens-edition_t-shirt#11=49&4=136)

<http://ih3.redbubble.net/image.12578710.8799/fig,lemon,mens,ffffff.u1.jpg>

XXX

They’d just slept, holding each other close while wearing pants and their shirts, crammed onto the tiny mattress that was tucked under the sloping roof without a frame to take up more of Martin’s precious space. They were just so tired, so emotionally drained, that lying there with their arms and legs entwined, breathing in each other’s scent, was the most perfect thing to do. They woke up slowly, kissing lazily and ignoring each other’s morning breath until nature called loudly enough that they made their way down to the shared bathroom on the second floor. They washed up in companionable silence, showering together with some minty fresh kissing and a lot of gentle exploration.

When arousal came it was a slow pulse of blood followed by steady strokes until each let out a low groan of completion and the water washed the evidence away. They towelled off and went back to his room to dress properly before taking up the only two pieces of non-mattress furniture in the room, Arthur to the lazy chair and Martin in the desk chair.

“What now?” Arthur asked helplessly, “Can I come with you?”

“I’m not going to be making enough to support us both,” Martin replied, shaking his head, “I’ll barely be supporting myself.”

“And I’m pants at holding down a job,” Arthur sighed, “I couldn’t even keep the job of flight attendant at my mum’s own airline!”

Martin nodded, recalling when Arthur had failed his tests so badly they’d bumped him down to ‘helpful frequently flying passenger’ since MJN didn’t technically need a steward if their passenger roster never went over 19. He still had his hat that he’d made himself, but it had been a blow to his ego.

“I guess we both need to figure out what we want.”

“Well that’s easy. You. I want _you_ ,” Arthur stated.

“I want you too,” Martin replied, “The question is how.”

“Come on. You know what they say. Keep calm and let Douglas straighten it out.”

“Yes, but didn’t he _start_ this mess?”

“What mess? We’re in love, even if we did go about it backwards, so good things have come of it. Now let’s figure out the rest.”

Arthur put his hand out and Martin curled his fingers around it gratefully, following him out the door with hope blossoming in his chest for the first time.

XXX

“Ladies and gentleman and variations thereupon. We are approaching Leeds and will be landing in 20 minutes. Please return to your seats, buckle up, return your traytables to their full upright position, and thank you for flying MJN Air. I am your pilot Martin Crieff and it has been a pleasure to see to your travel needs. Please be kind to your steward as he is my fiancé and for the next 19 minutes I hold your tiny little lives in my hands, and that goes double for Mr. 2B with your nasty comments about poufs.”

“Martin!” Caroline chirped into the comm., “Stop threatening the passengers!”

“Nope. My Jet Now,” Martin chirped, and promptly hung up on her.

“Skip,” Arthur laughed through the comm., “You promised.”

“Oh all right. Sorry Caroline.”

“I can’t _believe_ you own the airline now,” Douglas repeated for the third time that flight. The announcement had been made that morning and he was in shock. It had been his idea to make some investments to buy a second plane and make MJN more lucrative, but _this_ had been Caroline’s idea.

“Well it _was_ the best solution,” Martin replied, “Arthur needn’t ever have a job if he and his husband run an airway, I’m more likely to fly the plane carefully if it’s mine, it’s Arthur’s inheritance either way, Caroline gets to retire and begin travelling for pleasure- which still rubs it in her ex husband’s face- _and_ it meant his father would spit up some cash to fix GERTI up.”

“And a second plane,” Douglas sighed.

“Making us an official air _line_ instead of an air _dot_ ,” Martin chirped, “You know Douglas, you needn’t be the pilot of the other plane. I can hire someone else so you and I can still fly together.”

“And remain your First Officer? Are you daft?” Douglas scoffed, “The whole point was to get my Captaincy back.”

“I see no reason why we should stand on official titles. We can _both_ be Captain. In the mean time I’ll hire another Captain and a First Officer and if shifts need shuffling around there will always be a captain handy.”

“Why?” Douglas asked suspiciously, “It makes no sense.”

“Because I’m a very happy man right now, who is _very_ grateful to you for hooking me up with the love of my life, and you should take advantage of that situation.”

“Fine. Deal,” Douglas replied, his eyes turning scheming.

“Oh, Douglas,” Martin sighed, “I’ve finally won something and it’s worth more than all the air in the sky.”

“I do hope you’re referring to Arthur’s love,” Douglas replied, eyes narrowed protectively.

“Of _course_ Arthur’s love! That man is just… _brilliant_!”

Douglas groaned in misery and Martin laughed at his expression as he glided the plane down for a smooth landing… well… mostly smooth.

 


	5. 1. Yellow Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1/6 of "Five Times They Didn’t Bum Each Other and One Time They Did"

“I can’t believe mum wouldn’t let us stay in the house,” Arthur pouted.

“I think she’d rather not see us making out on her couch,” Martin laughed, his voice a high falsetto to accommodate his fake persona as ‘Mary Captain’.

“Yes, but she wouldn’t let me take you into my wing!” Arthur sulked more, “I can’t understand why!”

Martin smothered his grin. Caroline was having trouble dealing with the fact she’d unintentionally forced Martin (Mary) to date her son, and that he’d then been fine with the idea of dating a woman who had a penis. Now that they’d been kicked out of Caroline’s house after they’d returned from the cinema they were driving around looking for a place to park and have a snog. Martin was still a bit nervous about his odd relationship with Arthur, but the oblivious man was unaware that he was dating his captain in drag!

“How about there?” Arthur asked, pointing to a crowded parking lot at a local mall.

“Mm, bit crowded. Someone’s bound to call the police on us. We’ll end up with an ASBO for sure.”

“Oh, yeah. You’re right. You’re so smart Mary!” Arthur cooed.

Martin smiled, loving the praise that came with Arthur’s companionship. He was also looking forward to a bit _more_ than praise. Arthur had balked the last time they’d gone further than hand jobs, but he claimed now that he was ready to felate Martin and he was aching for it.

“There’s a spot,” Martin pointed, “The library’s closed. No one will bother us.”

“Perfect!” Arthur crowed, praising him over and again as he pulled into a parking space beneath a tree. Nice and secluded.

Martin resisted the urge to yank his skirt up and his stockings down and just push Arthur down on his cock. He was aching for it, but that didn’t mean he could stop being ladylike. He turned a bit and they spent a moment sliding their tongues against each other hungrily. Arthur may have been an idiot, but he was aware of people in a way Martin was usually oblivious about; enough to know full well when Martin was fit to burst. So when he slid his hand up Martin’s frilly skirt Martin was happy to sag back against the seatback and moan in relief. Arthur chuckled and helped Martin slide out of his stockings, leaving them just above his knees. Martin whimpered as Arthur stroked his knee through the stockings, his eyes turning predatory as they only did when Arthur was aroused. He was a completely different man in the bedroom, and Martin turned to pudding in his arms.

“Does my pretty lady need to get off?” Arthur teased, his voice turning deep and growly.

“Y-yes please,” Martin panted.

“What do you want, my dear?” Arthur growled as that hand moved higher up his shaved thigh.

“Oh!” Martin gasped, wriggling a bit in longing, “Oh, please, suck me off Arthur!”

“What was that, Mary dear?” Arthur growled, nipping at his neck, “I don’t think I heard you above all that whimpering?”

“Please suck me off!” Martin choked out, his voice cracking pathetically.

Arthur slipped a hand up his skirt and gave his hard cock a squeeze.

“My, my, no knickers? You naughty gurl,” Arthur teased, stroking him a bit _too_ firmly.

Martin whimpered and thrashed in the seat, “Yessss, I’m a filthy gurl.”

Arthur moved his skirt up and Martin stared down at the lewd sight of his frilly skirt around his proud erection. His bollocks were so tight that he was certain he’d be humiliating himself in seconds. He wanted to come, but not to fire off in an instant. He needed to slow this down.

“Arthur,” Martin panted, “What if we… what if you straddled my lap and…”

“Yeah?” Arthur growled.

“I could stretch you and then…”

“You want to fuck me, Mary?” Arthur growled, his voice deep and the swear slipping out easily.

Martin gasped, his hips jutting up eagerly, “Yes!”

“You think you’ve got the stamina?” Arthur teased.

_I will once I’ve had a chance to calm down, and fingering your arse will do just that._

“Come sit on me and find out,” Martin growled, then quickly coughed and repeated it in a feminine tone.

Arthur shivered in desire and worked his way out of his trousers and pants, moving to straddle Martin’s legs. Martin fumbled eagerly with the lube before moving a hand down to stroke at Arthur’s pucker. He whimpered a bit and wriggled for more so he started working a finger in. Arthur was staring out the back window. For a moment Martin thought he was attempting to ignore what was happening below the belt and worried that they should stop, then the silly man spoke up.

“Yellow car.”

Martin snorted, “So long as it isn’t a black and white one we’re fine.”

“Oh, I’ve never played that game before!”

“Arthur, my sexy boyfriend, shut up.”

“Right-o!”

He had three fingers into Arthur and was just easing them out, already visualizing his cock pressed inside of Arthur’s plush arse, when there was a sudden rapping at their window. Martin jumped, but Arthur only smiled and waved. Visualizing a meddling Douglas or Caroline, he scowled at the window only to have a flashlight glare in his eyes and the rapping repeated.

Martin rolled down the window and they stared at the very angry cop, “Just what do you two think you’re doing?”

“Not playing Black and White Car,” Arthur responded, “Or I’d have won by now.”

“You _saw_ him coming up?” Martin groaned.

“Out, you two. Now,” The cop snarled.

“Can I put my trousers on first? It’s a bit chilly,” Arthur replied.

“Yes, put them on.”

Martin scrambled to right his clothes while Arthur tugged his on and they piled out of the car to look shame-faced in front of the officer. Or at least _Martin_ looked shame-faced. Arthur was grinning happily and complimenting the officer on his clothes. Martin was trying to will his erection away but it was stubbornly insisting that there was still a well-lubed arsehole nearby. The cop noticed it and gaped in shock.

“Let’s take this to the station. There’s something off about you two.”

_If he’s some sort of prejudiced…_

Martin cut his thought off. They were being motioned into the back of the panda wagon and the other officer had just confiscated his purse from the car. His purse that contained an ID declaring him Martin Kreiff! Martin was terrified of what would happen when they got to the precinct seeing that his only ID claimed he was someone Arthur was unaware of him being. While Arthur was fully aware that ‘Mary’ wasn’t a woman, he was unaware that Mary was actually the pilot at his mother’s air dot. A bit of tousled hair, a dress, and make-up were his disguise… that and Arthur was incredibly stupid. Stupid but devoutly loved. Martin was falling fast for him and didn’t want to see Arthur hurt by his deception.

“Yellow car,” Arthur announced.

 “Why does he keep doing that?” The officer asked.

“It’s a game,” Martin explained, keeping his high falsetto in place.

 “Yellow car,” Arthur announced again, “This is fun! I like being in the back seat, don’t you Mary?”

“Not of a police car, Arthur, no,” Martin chuckled, smiling at his ridiculously cheerful boyfriend, “Oh! Yellow car!”

“Wow, Mary! You’re so good at this!” Arthur exclaimed.

“I’m good at a lot of things,” Martin flirted, voice high as he teased along Arthur’s ankle with his stocking clad foot.

“I don’t think you ought to do that, Mary. That’s what got us here in the first place,” Arthur scolded.

“Good grief,” The officer sighed, “Listen, son, do you have someone who takes care of you?”

“What? No, don’t be silly,” Martin squeaked.

“I think he means me, Mary. People are always mistaking me for a minor… I don’t know why. No, officer, I’m all grown up. I do live with my mum, but that’s because we’re friends!”

Martin rubbed at his forehead, while the officer’s partner looked over her shoulder at Arthur.

“So what number can we reach your mum at, dearie?” The PC asked.

Arthur rattled off his phone number and address while Martin tried not to chuckle. They clearly thought Arthur had special needs of some kind. Good. Perhaps they’d drop him off.

_And then convict me for taking advantage of him. I’ll be locked up!_

“Arthur isn’t what you think,” Martin started carefully, “He’s really just a sweet young man with a quirky sense of humour.”

“Gosh, you say the nicest things, Mary,” Arthur sighed happily, “Yellow car!”

“I should also probably mention that my license stills says I’m male,” Martin decided to inform them, hoping they’d be less likely to make a big deal out of it when they saw the ID if he told them in advance, “I’m waiting for my papers to go through.”

“She _really_ looks like a real woman, doesn’t she?” Arthur chirped, “Oh, I suppose that’s not the right thing to say, is it? Sorry Mary. I didn’t mean you weren’t a real woman, just that women born as women look… Yellow car! My there’s an awful lot out today!”

The PC and the Sergeant glanced at each other and then the Sgt pulled over, “Get out.”

“Sorry?” Martin asked in surprise.

The PC got out and opened their door, “You heard the man. Out. You can pick up your car from impound tomorrow. You have fare for a cab?”

“Yes,” Arthur smiled, “Awfully nice of you. Have a great night!”

The police car drove off and Martin chuckled a bit as Arthur babbled on about how wonderful and nice the police had been to them.


	6. 2. Venice!

I lovingly dedicate this chapter to My Lady Queenoftheuniverse for her creative input. Kisses!

 

 

“Caroline, I must protest this travesty!” Douglas announced.

“Put it in the suggestion box,” Caroline snapped, “We’re going and that’s final!”

“This is cruelty! My wife and I…” Douglas was cut off by Arthur stomping into the portacabin.

“The wings are cleaned off and the snowmen have been knocked down. Skipper wants to know why it’s taking you so long to do the walk around,” Arthur asked cheerily.

“Because I’m not going!” Douglas fumed, “This is ridiculous! It’s Christmas day!”

“Yes, but we won’t get there on time if we leave tomorrow!” Caroline argued, “We are being paid obscene amounts of money to take Mr. Edwards and his three wives to Carnival in Venice, I’d think you’d be happy!”

“Yet my _wife_ remains home _alone_ on Christmas day!” Douglas wailed, “The horror! The end of another marriage! How could you _do_ this to me, Caroline! After all I’ve _done_ for you!”

“Douglas, I’m truly sorry but we _need_ this trip and Martin’s logged too many hours to fly solo! Into the plane with you!”

“I absolutely refuse! Money will never move me!”

“You won’t be getting the…”

“Neither will liquor.”

Caroline paused, eyes narrowed as she considered Douglas and what his latest scheme was, “Oh, I see what this is all about. Where is she?”

“Where is who?” Douglas asked innocently.

“Your wife who you’ve doubtlessly promised a vacation in Venice to?”

“My wife accompanied me to the airport _only_ to bid me goodbye. She is far too distraught at having her husband taken away from her on _Christmas day_ to show herself.”

“And I suppose her having a suitcase or two with her is simply a coincidence, is it?” Caroline mused.

“Well, we _were_ planning on driving out to a friend’s cabin tomorrow morning so we have a few bags…”

“Just load her in the cabin and recalculate the weight. However _Douglas_ ,” Caroline warned, “If _anything_ goes wrong I’ll be charging her first class prices and baggage claim!”

“We haven’t _got_ a first class,” Douglas pointed out.

“On Christmas day on the way to Carnival in Venice the entire of GERTI is first class!” Caroline snapped.

“Hurrah!” Arthur cheered, “We’re going to have a lovely time! Did you hear Mary’s there?”

“Mary is?” Douglas asked, “You don’t say?”

“Yes! She’s been there for days! I’m so excited to see her during such a romantic event!” Arthur all but skipped off to the plane through the few inches of snow.

XXX

“So,” Douglas teased, “Romance in Venice?”

“Arthur is hoping that there will be ice skating. I don’t think the water freezes in the canals.”

“Oh, it freezes. In the areas that aren’t as deep, that is. They’ll have them marked. Have you ever gone ice skating before?”

“No.”

“Sounds like a recipe for a Martin Misadventure to me,” Douglas pointed out.

“I’m determined to make the best of it. Arthur and I get so little time together what with me being… well… the _real_ me.”

“Yes, you are quite the relationship deterrent, aren’t you?”

“Well, that and my other job.”

“So it’s going well, your- and don’t give me details _please_ \- relationship with Arthur?”

“Well on our last date we were arrested for indecent exposure.”

“Oh dear! How have I not heard of this before now?” Douglas chuckled.

“They let us off with a warning, you might say.”

“Arthur annoyed them out of it, did he?”

“That and I creeped them out.”

“How so, he asked hesitantly and with just a _hint_ of regret in his voice,” Douglas quipped.

“I might have been- _ahem_ \- excited. A bit.”

Douglas began to chuckle.

“Douglas it isn’t _funny,_ it was humiliating and Arthur nearly found me out! If they’d ran our ID’s sooner…”

“What were you wearing? No, don’t tell me. Let me _guess_ ,” Douglas snickered.

“A pink skirt with black lace trim and a black silk blouse.”

“You _hussy!_ ” Douglas roared, laughing hysterically.

“Douglas it isn’t _funny!_ ”

“You’re right!” Douglas panted, “It’s _hilarious!_ ”

Arthur walked in and the both smothered their reactions, Martin carefully looking straight ahead and being as silent as possible. He had a nearly Pavlovian reaction around Arthur now, making it difficult to speak in a normal voice. He kept turning into _Mary_ around him.

“Mum wants me to ask if you’re ever planning on taking off.”

“We took so long getting _the Mrs_ settled,” Martin groused, “That we had to recheck a few things.”

“Women are _such_ hard work, aren’t they Arthur?” Douglas sighed.

“I’ll say! I’m having the most difficult time with Mary.”

“You are?” Martin squeaked, “I mean, oh, really?”

“Something bothering you?” Douglas asked. He was genuinely concerned. Without Mary Arthur had been deeply depressed.

“Not exactly,” Arthur replied, “Let me just tell Mum that we’ll be taking off soon, then I’ll be up again once you flip the sign.”

“Right-o,” Douglas replied when Martin showed no sign of replying.

The cabin door clicked shut and silence fell as they took off. Then Martin sighed, “I hope it’s nothing irresolvable. Arthur’s been such a gem. Who else would put up with a date who can barely see him?”

“And who had a penis when one was used to the other gear,” Douglas reminded.

“He’s gotten better at dealing with that,” Martin replied.

“I _really_ don’t need to know,” Douglas replied.

“I didn’t get to tell you what a disaster the date _before_ last was.”

“Oh, do tell!” Douglas crowed.

“We went to an Air and Space museum and one of the tourists there recognized me.”

“They _what_?” Douglas asked, giving him his full attention, “Arthur still seems fooled…”

“I managed to pull her aside by asking if she had a feminine napkin I could borrow. She was so appalled, knowing I was really a man, that she fled and told security. They came after us and kicked us out, saying we were bothering ladies. You should have seen Arthur! He was so chivalrous!”

“And that’s where my interest in the story wanes,” Douglas sighed, “Flipping off the seatbelt sign.”

“He told off the guard for descrimination,” Martin said quickly, “We got banned for life, but he was so revved up that we found a quiet alley and…”

“Okay,” Arthur said, stepping into the cabin, “So here’s the problem.”

Martin dropped silent.

“Go on?” Douglas asked.

“You know how Mary is a woman with a penis?”

“Is _that_ what they’re calling them these days?” Douglas asked sarcastically.

“It’s only proper. Anyway, I’ve gotten more used to the whole boy-bits thing, but Mary still seems skittish and other people aren’t helping a bit! Why, at the museum last month…”

Douglas and Martin sighed, settling in for a long flight of Arthur relating his odd point of view to them.

XXX

The hotel accommodations featured a separate room for Douglas and Martin and no room for Arthur since he’d be staying with Mary. This was Caroline’s way of screwing Martin over. If ‘Mary’ had been there for days than _surely_ she had a room. So Martin was left to fork up the cash to pay for their motel room, but could only afford the cheapest accommodations available, _and_ he’d had to book them ahead of time due to carnival. He then headed to the room with a skip in his step to set up their date and the _after_ session as well. He was hoping to go all the way with Arthur that night and the very idea of buggering that plush arse was driving him wild. But first they’d have a bit of fun at Carnival. They’d each made their own costume, keeping it a secret from the other, and they weren’t going to see it until Arthur met him in ‘Mary’s’ room.

Quickly, Martin donned his Carnival outfit. He was going for classic with this one, and was done up as Marilyn Monroe below the neck with a classic mask with large eyes and long eyelashes. He attached it and answered the door at Arthur’s sharp knock. 

And laughed.

“Oh dear,” Martin snickered, barely managing to keep Mary’s voice in check.

“Ta da!” Arthur declared.

“Arthur, darling, I don’t think that’s a Carnival costume.”

“What do you mean? It’s a costume, and we’re going to Carnival! Ta da!”

“Yes, but… Carnival is about being flashy and sexy and fun…”

“And cold. It’s below zero out there, Mary! You’ll freeze!”

“I have tights,” Martin muttered, but then burst out laughing again, “But _really_ , Arthur?”

“Yeah! I love penguins!” Arthur announced, waddling into the room with his large flippers extended, “They’re the best friends of polar bears!”

He was indeed an Adelie penguin and Martin was having trouble stopping himself from suggesting he use a Hispanic voice like the cast of Happy Feet.

“No,” Mary shook her head, “I don’t think they are.”

“But they’re always real close to them in the zoo!”

“That’s because they both need the cold, my darling,” Martin snickered, “It’s just easier to plumb it that way.”

“Oh… well, they _eat_ them, don’t they?”

“Not unless one happens to get into the polar bear tank at the zoo,” Martin giggled, “They’re on opposite sides of the globe, Arthur. Penguins are in Antarctica and Polar Bears in the Arctic Circle.”

“Oh. Well… they’re fun!”

“Yes, they are,” Martin replied with a fond smile, “Shall we go?”

“Not until you put on your tights,” Arthur scolded, “No girl of _mine_ is going to catch her death at Carnival! This isn’t Mardi Gras you know.”

Martin hesitated, and then decided he couldn’t let it pass, “What’s Mardi Gras, Arthur?”

“Oh, it’s a celebration in Mexico where everyone dresses like dead people, but it’s a happy one, not a scary one like Guy Fawkes Day.”

“Arthur, you’ve mixed it up again.”

“Oh, again?” Arthur groaned, “Alright, which is it?”

“Mardis Gras is a carnival before fasting begins for Lent, though in some countries it’s more for getting pissed and taking your top off in public.”

“Oh my.”

“Guy Fawkes day is the one where people burn an effigy, but it’s not the least bit scary. Smoky, but not scary.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember that one now.”

“And _Halloween_ is the scary one full of tricks and candy and such.”

“Oh! Of course!” Arthur exclaimed, then paused, “Can I still be a penguin?”

“Yes, absolutely. You’re an _adorable_ penguin. Let’s go, shall we?”

They spent a few hours looking at booths and dancing together to music before sitting down to eat at a restaurant Arthur had booked for them. He had to take off the head of his penguin suit to eat, but only after several failed attempts to do so with the head _on_.

“This is awful!” Arthur fussed.

“I’m sure the hotel staff can get it clean, if not a dry cleaners…”

“No, not that! Without my head on I’m just a fat man in a tuxedo!”

That was the last straw for Martin and he burst out laughing, just barely managing to keep it in a high falsetto. Arthur gave in as well and joined him, reaching out to hold his hand lovingly.

“You’re beautiful,” Arthur told ‘Mary’ once the laughter had settled.

“Thank you, Arthur,” Martin replied, blushing and looking down, “You make me _feel_ beautiful.”

They left the restaurant and Martin waited to find out where they were going next, but Arthur apparently didn’t have anything further planned.

“I thought we were going ice skating?”

“Oh, well… we were, but mum looked it up and it turns out there are only a couple of ice skating areas open during Carnival and one is really, _really_ crowded and the other is really, _really_ not, because it’s far from the main streets and Carnival. And seeing as how neither of us ice skate mum made me promise not to take you.”

Martin scowled. He was _sick_ of Caroline butting in on his dates! It was bad enough she’d forced him to alter his life and become a woman to date Arthur in the first place (never mind that Martin had fallen for the odd man in the process). Now she was dictating what they did on their dates?! _After_ making him pay for his own hotel room?!

Martin squared his shoulders, recalled he was supposed to be feminine, relaxed them and tossed his hair instead, and snoodily replied.

“She can sod off. We’re going ice skating!”

Arthur’s face lit up like the sun and Martin all but skipped off to find out directions. It turned out a gondola was the easiest way to get there, but they were warned off of doing it if they weren’t experienced. Apparently there were some icy chunks in the water and a good deal of tourists had taken a spill or two. Martin scoffed it off. If he could fly a plane he could steer a boat! He told Arthur that he’d done it in ‘girl scouts’ and they rented the gondola quite cheerily.

They had the map with them, so it was no trouble at all to find the ice rink- or rather an area with lower water that was sectioned off and kept for skating. It was rather lovely, actually, and completely deserted with only some decorated lamp posts for light. It was probably extremely romantic. It was also on the other side of a good deal of little miniature iceburgs.

“Do you think they’re dangerous? Could we sink like the Titanic?” Arthur asked, “Check the side, Mary. Is this thing named Titanic? How do you say Titanic in… What language do they speak here again?”

“I think we can make it,” Martin decided, “Let’s try.”

“I’m right behind you! Figuratively!”

“Literally,” Martin corrected, steering around one large chunk of ice and pushing another away with the pole.

“No, figuratively; because my figure is here, and yours is there. Literally is like literature and we’re not _writing_ about it, we’re three dimensional!”

“I’m not actually sure how to argue that so I’m just going to go with it,” Martin replied with a fond smile. Arthur really was a breath of fresh air.

Then they wedged and the second Martin looked about behind them he saw that he’d made a serious mistake. The ice had closed in behind them and with the dropping temperatures the water was starting to re-freeze. They could still push through now, but they might well sink their little craft.

“Arthur, I think we’re stuck here!”

“Can we get out and jump the little ice chunks to the…”

“This isn’t a video game, this is serious!”

“Sorry… what do we do then?”

“I’m going to call for help,” Martin replied, pulling out his phone and dialing the local number for aid. And Douglas had mocked him for having them in his phone! Times like this were reason enough, but he just hoped he’d get to live to talk about it.

“They said they’ll take ages to get here!” Martin snapped, hanging up the phone, “Apparently we’re not a priority!”

“Really? Who is?”

“Some bastard who had a heart attack and a group of young ladies who fell in the canal and are suffering from hypothermia!”

“Oh, dear, should I jump in?”

“What? No!”

“But that would bring them faster…”

“No!”

“Okay.”

Silence. Awkward and unpleasant silence. This was turning into a rubbish date. Then Arthur piped up again.

“If I keep talking, will you dump me?”

“What? No, why would I do that?”

“Lots of girls do.”

“Well, I’m not lots of girls. I happen to adore you.”

“It’s just… I noticed you’re shivering and I was thinking… it’s awfully hot in this suit.”

“I’m not taking your suit Arthur, but thank you for offering.”

“You’re welcome… but I wasn’t… offering to give you my suit, that is.”

“Oh,” Martin replied, feeling a bit insulted for no apparent reason, “Well what _were_ you going to say?”

“I was going to say that it’s awfully large, you know. It’s sort of got rings in it like Saturn.”

“A hoop skirt penguin costume, okay. So you… want me to climb in with you?” Martin asked in surprise.

“Yeah, but… not till I’ve taken my clothes off.”

“What? Why?!”

“Because I was sort of hoping that you’d be in the mood later so I… I’m wearing a butt plug. You can just… pop right in.”

“We could… we could actually have sex?”

“And save the date!” Arthur crowed.

“Arthur you’re _brilliant!”_

It took some manoeuvring, and Martin had to strip off his clothes _before_ climbing in, but eventually he was inside the penguin suit with just a _bit_ of a draft up the back and a horny Arthur in his lap.

“Ready?”

“Give me a moment to warm up,” Martin chattered.

“Okay… ready?”

“Yes, fine,” Martin sighed.

He shifted Arthur’s legs to spread over his own, no small feat with both their legs inside of the legs of a penguin costume, and reached down to tug the plug out from his arse. It was quite stuck fast. He tugged, and pulled, and wriggled, and twisted, and meanwhile Arthur gasped and shifted and was otherwise useless at helping him. Then Arthur let out a startled cry and his entire body stiffened atop of Martin’s.

“Did you… did you just…?”

“No,” Arthur clearly lied while panting.

“Finish?” Martin stammered.

“No. Nope. Not done yet. Do continue.”

“Arthur, you clearly did.”

“No I didn’t. It’s dark and we’re in a penguin suit, you can’t have seen anything.”

“No, but you writhed in pleasure and then moaned so…”

“Well it felt good, didn’t it? You playing with my arse.”

“That and there’s come leaking down onto my knee.”

“Drat, I’d hoped you wouldn’t notice that.”

“Well… are you still good to go?”

“Go where?”

“Can I still put my _cock_ in you?!” Martin snapped, quite forgetting to use ‘Mary’s’ voice. Arthur jumped a bit in surprise and Martin rephrased it as Mary, “May I make love to you, darling?”

“Oh. Yes, please.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” Martin breathed, and the plug popped out with ease after a single tug… and promptly vanished somewhere inside the penguin.

“What was that wet thing that touched my leg?” Arthur asked.

“The plug. I dropped it.”

“A fish!” Arthur screamed, “There’s a fish in the penguin suit!”

“What? No! Hold still! What are you doing?! Arthur!”

Arthur was quite terrified, thrashing and trying to either wiggle out of the suit or kill the ‘fish’, Martin wasn’t quite sure which. The result was their entire gondola was rocking back and forth and Martin could barely stop it from tipping over. Then, quite suddenly, he didn’t manage to stop it from tipping and they went flying over upside-down into the water. There was a moment of shock in which neither could move and the water was so _frigid_ that they didn’t even gasp in the water. Then they were both thrashing, working against each other, and Martin was certain that he would die a horrid death. He could just see the headlines now. _Two men found naked in penguin suit frozen in the Venice canals. Butt plug cause of death._

Then Arthur seemed to realize the impending danger and simply sobered up. He jerked upright and began to move his arms, which were lodged in the suit whereas Martin’s were simply clinging to his love. He tried to move his legs and this time Martin synced up with him. Then he… stood up.

“Mary, I think we’re on some stairs,” Arthur chattered.

“There must be steps carved out leading up to the ice rink,” Martin stammered back.

“We can just climb up there to skate!”

Martin could barely reply, he was so cold, “We n-need t-t-to get _help_!”

“Oh, right. Where’s your mobile?”

“S-sunk,” Martin shook.

“Right. Only one thing for it then. Help! HELP!!”

Arthur shouted this while dragging Martin along as he scrambled up the steps. Martin tried to help, but he was far more chilled than Arthur had been and was all but convulsing with the chill. Luckily someone heard them and then saw them flailing about in the water. A rope was thrown down and they were helped out of the canal, the people only realizing there were two after they emerged.

“What sort of costume is that?” They asked once they’d called for help, “I’ve seen people wear the arse side of a horse, but not the arse side of a penguin!”

Martin was too cold to answer, but no one could get _Arthur_ to shut up, not even mostly frozen water.

“W-we were t-trying t-to…”

“K-keep warm,” Martin chattered.

“Well, you better come out of there. It’s going to freeze to you,” They were advised.

“No, I’d rather n-not…” Martin stammered.

Arthur started to struggle out but Martin struggled to stay _in_. However, the friendly people helping them aided Arthur in this venture and he was soon standing on the streets of Venice in his birthday suit.

“You two were _naked_?” One man spat out in disgust, “There are _children_ out there!”

“W-we weren’t a-a-alwa… _achoo!”_ Martin stammered.

“What do you think this is, Mardi Gras?” A woman asked in disgust.

“No, that’s the one with the burning effigy,” Arthur announced.

“Oh no,” Martin groaned.

“They’re Satanists!” A woman hissed to her spouse.

The people gave them a angry looks and then draped them in blankets just as the paramedics arrived. They were carted off to the hospital with heated saline in their veins to join the many people who had also taken a dip in the canal.

“What exactly were you doing without your clothes?” A nurse asked them for the third time. They were having a great deal of trouble because they were currently without ID, both having vanished into the water along with Martin’s clothes and both their mobiles.

“We got our boat stranded-“ Martin continued their falsehood.

“Gondola,” Arthur corrected.

“-Thank you. And we realized my costume was too cold to survive in and his was big enough for two.”

“Yeah, because I’d planned it that way!” Arthur chirped.

Martin wanted to say ‘code red’ but there was no way he’d know that code as Mary.

“So Arthur suggested we share it for warmth.”

“A good idea, until the boat tipped,” The nurse stated, conveniently finishing their story for him. Martin sighed in relief until she spoke again, “So why _exactly_ were you both naked?”

“To… conserve… body heat?” Martin squeaked, “I read it in a book?”

“Really?” Arthur stated, “You’re so _smooth_ Mary! I had no idea!”

“Yes, well…” Martin stammered.

“And here I thought it was to get in my pants!”

“Oh my,” Martin squeaked.

“Relax honey, it’s Carnival. We got all kinds around here,” The nurse soothed, patting Martin’s knee fondly, “We still haven’t found anyone from your company though, Mary. Is there anyone you can call?”

Martin sighed, “Yes, but if I could just make that call in _private…_?”

“You left out the best part,” Arthur chimed in.

“What part?” The nurse asked, apparently rather fond of Arthur.

“The part where Arthur saved us by climbing the steps despite my dead weight!” Martin replied proudly.

“Yeah, but not that part,” Arthur corrected despite the nurses fawning, “The part where the fish in the suit caused the boat to tip!”

“Fish?” Martin corrected without thinking, “There was no fish.”

“Well then what was that warm wet thing that slid against my leg?” Arthur asked.

The nurse looked horrified and gave Martin a rather accusing look and he stammered to defend himself.

“That wasn’t from me, that was from him!”

“No, the spunk was already cool,” Arthur replied, “I’m sure of that. You know, from when you buggered me with the butt plug. Oh! Was that the butt plug that slid down my leg?”

“Yes,” Martin sighed, giving up on keeping them normal-ish looking.

“That explains everything!” Arthur declared, and then gave him a devastated look, “Oh no. That means _I_ ruined our date!”

“It’s okay, darling,” Martin stammered while the nurse backed slowly out of the room. Martin wondered if he’d get that phone call at all now.

“Mary, I’m _so sorry!_ ”

“It’s fine darling, really.”

Arthur apologized for another hour or so before Caroline came to get him. She was hung over and cranky and promptly told Mary that she hoped his bollocks fell off. Then she left him there to fend for himself. Once they were gone, Arthur protesting all the way, Martin snatched up the phone and rang Douglas. He was more than willing to rescue ‘Mary’… for the high price of humiliation and a hundred pounds.  


	7. 3. Berling Day!

Spoilers for Season 4

 

“I can’t believe it will be nearly a year in a few days!” Arthur sighed, “A year with the love of my life!”

They were frantically prepping for a surprise Berling day that was to take place in Timbuktu rather than the actual location for the rugby finals. Arthur was on cloud nine because there was actually going to _be_ a Berling day- due to the man arguing with his wife- but Martin was just panicked about the fact they were commiting fraud _on his suggestion_. That and he was pent up sexually since it had been ages since he and Arthur had been able to see each other.

“Well, not really a year if you count the fact you two haven’t seen each other in _two months_.”

“Yeah, I’m a bit worried about that. Do you think she’s over me?”

“What?” Martin asked.

“Well, it’s just that I call her but she never calls me and she’s _never_ been busy for this long! I even offered to stay off the last two cargo flights we had and she turned me down.”

“Well holidays are notorious for air traffic,” Douglas pointed out.

“That’s why I wanted to see her _before_ them. I think dunking her in ice water might have been the last straw.”

“Well, that was a bit cold of you,” Douglas quipped. No one laughed.

“I’m sure she’s just very, very busy,” Martin replied, though the truth was that he was trying to save up money for more women’s clothes while struggling to pay for two mobiles. He’d been pulling so many shifts that he was downright exhausted and fell asleep before he had time to call Arthur for even a quick bout of phone sex.

“Or she’s choking on her dignity,” Douglas replied, “You know how women are, Arthur, so shy and easily embarrassed. Tell them their beautiful a thousand times and they still won’t believe you!”

“Yeah,” Arthur nodded, “She’s quite like that.”

“Of course, tell them their MC Hammer pants make their thighs look like twin parachutes attempting to engage in coitus and they’ll divorce you and take your Jaguar,” Douglas added.

“I think I’ll type out a long, loving message to her before we take off,” Arthur chirped, heading for the galley.

“Oh gods,” Martin groaned.

“If you say ‘crime’ one more time,” Douglas sighed.

“No, not that. Not this time, though that is still _terrifying_ me.”

“What now?”

“Arthur,” Martin groaned, “I want him _so badly_.”

“Oh!” Douglas replied in disgust, “Spare me the details! Please! I can tolerate you two lovebirds being… well, in love, but I don’t want to know what you do behind closed doors! I’m still from the old generation, you know. We’re all stuffy about buggering.”

“Right. Sorry,” Martin sighed, “Now about this whole crime of yours.”

“Ours.”

“Fine ours! Are you sure your friends can make a convincing sign? He said he’d want a picture near it.”

“I’m sure! Will you just _calm down!_ ”

XXX

“I can’t believe this,” Martin groaned, “Do you think they’ll put us in jail? Arthur’s too pretty to be in jail! He’ll be someone’s bitch in no time!”

“They aren’t going to throw us in jail,” Douglas grumbled.

“They’ll take away our licenses for sure!”

“That’s a high possibility, at least for me. This _is_ my second offense after the whole Air England debacle.”

“That’s right!” Martin chirped, “That’s right, you, _you!_ You’re the bad influence! You should take the fall for all of us!”

“Well if we’re speaking technically here, Caroline was the one who asked us to brainstorm for ways to pull it off…”

“That’s right! She’s the owner, she should be the one to take the blame!”

“You’re sort of the anti-Spartacus, aren’t you?”

“Another of your fancy pretend pilots? Never mind. Look, I’m sorry. I’m just… everything is going up in smoke and I’m tense.”

“Why don’t you let me take the helm and you go stretch your legs, hm?”

“Yes, I think I’d better. I could use the loo anyway. I always have to pee like mad when I’m anxious.”

“Oh, is that it?” Douglas chuckled, “I thought it was your massive coffee consumption. Either that or a serious prostate condition.”

“Very funny,” Martin sighed and stepped out of the cabin and into the small curtained galley area. Just ahead of him was the toilet but it was locked. Someone was in there. He was about to turn away when he heard a soft groan.

“Arthur?” Martin asked in concern.

“I… oh! Be out in a minute Skip!” Arthur gasped.

Martin’s face flushed. He knew that tone. Arthur was in there wanking and in that split second Martin threw open the emergency unlock and stormed the loo. Arthur staggered upright, cock hard and leaking, but Martin grabbed him and pressed him against the wall, snagging a safety rail as he did so.

“I’m not going to prison without having done _this!_ ” Martin snarled, and snogged him speechless.

Arthur moaned and for a moment they were simply lost to sensation, their tongues moving together as they ground their hips frantically. Then Arthur pushed him a way a bit.

“I… I can’t, Skip! I’m with Mary!”

“She’s been ignoring you for two months. Besides, _I’ll_ bottom for you!”

“Oh gods!” Arthur gasped as Martin attacked his neck, reaching into his pocket to find the packets of lube he always carried just in case he could find a situation to pull off a surprise Mary visit.

Martin tore open a packet with his teeth and wrapped a saturated hand around Arthur’s prick, stroking it firmly until he was whimpering and clinging to him. Then he dropped his own trousers and turned his back to present his arse. He reached back to finger himself open while Arthur moaned and gave one bum cheek a squeeze.

“Oh gods, your arse looks so much like Mary’s,” Arthur panted, then suddenly jerked his hand away, “No! I can’t do this! I love Mary!”

“She’s not here, I am,” Martin replied, moving up to two fingers.

“I know but…”

“No buts!” Martin pulled his fingers free and spread his cheeks, “Fuck me Arthur Shappey! That’s an order from your captain!”

Arthur grasped his hips and his cockhead made two aborted attempts to penetrate him in the trembling plane. Then he pushed just the tip inside of him. Martin groaned and forced his muscles to relax. It had been ages since he last did this and he was _aching_ for it!

Then without any warning Arthur pulled out and he heard the distinct sound of trousers being buckled. Martin turned around to give him a piece of his mind to see Arthur in tears.

“I can’t,” Arthur choked, his cock quite wilted, “I’d love to, because you’re gorgeous and I respect you, but if I do I won’t respect myself and I’m sure Mary won’t either.”

“Arthur,” Martin started miserably.

“No, don’t. We’ll just chalk this up to the upset over Mr. Berling finding us out. Okay? Let’s never mention it again.”

“Arthur, I never meant to make you cry,” Martin replied, but when he reached out Arthur saw his hand slicked with lubricant and winced away as if repulsed. Martin had never felt so disgusted with himself in his life, “Oh gods, I’m so sorry.”

“No,” Arthur replied shakily, “I am. It’s not like I haven’t wondered… Look, I’m not a smart man, Martin, but I’d like to think I’m a good one. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to tell Mary what I’ve done and pray she forgives me.”

The door shut on Martin and his shame, and the man stared at his slimy hand in revulsion.

“She will,” Martin sighed, “But I won’t _ever_ forgive myself.”

XXX

Martin didn’t have to fake the tears as he sat on Caroline’s front porch and listened to Arthur sob out his confession. He held his lover gently and told him it was okay, that every relationship had it’s pitfalls, that she understood that it was mostly Martin’s fault, then spent a good hour convincing Arthur it _was_ Martin’s fault. He knew then the friendship between Martin and Arthur would be strained for good, but he _had_ to preserve the relationship with Mary. It was all he had left.

**A/N Just for reference, this chapter takes place BEFORE chapter 4 in the previous part of this fun story. I.E. _Before_ Arthur makes his speech about wanting to leave MJN air. Makes a bit more sense now, doesn’t it?**


	8. Fitton!

Caroline gave each of them a warm smile- Martin got the fake one- pretended to yawn- really theatre had a spot for that one - and headed up the steps to bed. Arthur waved farewell until she vanished at the top of the gigantic stairs and then grabbed Martin’s aka Mary’s hand.

“Come on, Mary,” Arthur chirped, “I’ll show you my model airplane collection!”

“You have model airplanes?” Martin asked enthusiastically, and followed Arthur to his wing of the house.

This was the first time he’d been in Arthur’s wing of the house and he was rather surprised. He’d just assumed he had at most two bedrooms, but he actually had an in-law’s suite complete with kitchen and a den with a breakfast bar separating the two, his own bathroom, and a large bedroom. He even had his own entrance, but odds and ends piled against it spoke to how often it was used. That was the most obvious part of this set of rooms. It was _clearly_ a bachelor pad. Take away boxes covered any available surface that wasn’t already occupied by blu ray boxes, video game cases, controllers, remotes, porn rags, and dirty laundry. There were skees stretched across three of the breakfast chairs for no apparent reason and they’d been there so long they were gathering dust. Curious about his selection, Martin picked up the nearest porno and glanced at the cover. It was covered in busty women performing fellatio on overly endowed men.

“I… erm… I still like to look at breasts every now and again. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all,” Martin replied, his voice a pretty falsetto that he’d gotten rather accomplished at, and “I’ve seen this one before.”

“Really? It’s one of my favourites!” Arthur bounced happily.

“I like the second one better,” Martin replied, “Do you have it?”

“Oh, no, I don’t,” Arthur replied, a bit disappointed.

“I’ll bring it over next time.”

“That would be brilliant! I’ve never watched porn with a girlfriend before.”

“Well it’s high time you should. It’s far more fun that way. Now, you said something about model airplanes?”

“Yeah! They’re in my bedroom. Come on!”

Arthur grabbed Martin’s hand and dragged him into the bedroom, flipping on the switch dramatically and gesturing at the ceiling.

“Ta da!”

Martin gaped at the room. There were over a dozen model airplanes of different makes and models from trans air to fighter hung from his ceiling. The larger ones were higher up with the smaller ones hanging about a foot below them. They were also wired, each one shining a tiny light or so in whichever direction they faced, some with blinking red lights and some without. They were also the only light in the room, creating a dim and shifting atmosphere with the occasional patch of solid or blinking red. The overall aesthetic was a Chinese lantern festival, but with lanterns shaped exclusively like airplanes.

“I made them all!” Arthur announced happily, “Well, except running the wire through them and into my light switch. A friend of mine helped because he and mum both said I’d burn the house down. Except I don’t think so because I wasn’t going to use candles, I was going to use _electricity_ , so it’s not like I’d be lighting any matches or leave some candles burning. Again.”

“Oh, it’s a good thing you’re pretty,” Martin sighed.

“Thanks! A lot of my girlfriends say that,” Arthur smiled.

“And how many of your girlfriends could name all of these planes?” Martin asked.

“Gosh, none of them!”

“What will you give me if I do?” Martin flirted, pulling Arthur closer to him with a flirty smile.

“Hmmm,” Arthur smiled shyly, “A… blow job?”

“You’re on!”

Martin grinned as his cock twitched beneath his skirts. He glanced up at the ceiling and started in the far left, naming each as he moved from one side of the room to the other. They were hanging a bit low around the perimeter, but were high enough in the middle that he never had to duck. When he finished he turned to face Arthur with a proud smirk, but was instead witness to the cheery man frowning and shaking his head.

“Sorry, darling. You got three wrong.”

“What? No I didn’t!” Martin gaped.

Arthur walked out and pointed to three in succession, “These are all special model airplanes. They’re planes that were designed but never made. You picked the three models that were designed and made _after_ them, and therefore bear a resemblance. They stumped my previous girlfriends too, so don’t feel bad.”

Martin _did_ feel bad. He’d not only made an arse of himself in front of a man who was barely qualified to use a microwave, he’d lost out on a blowjob. Then Arthur turned towards him with a wicked leer.

“Now what do _I_ get for winning?”

Martin smiled and pulled Arthur in for a hot kiss before kissing his way across his cheek to his ear, “What do you want me to do to you, _captain_?”

Arthur groaned and practically threw Martin down on the bed. They were tearing off clothes in a heartbeat, kissing, biting, licking, suckling, and moaning like wild creatures. Arthur separated for him to dig into his bedside drawer and pulled out a condom and lubricant. _Anal_ lubricant. Martin whistled.

“You want…?”

“I… I know you said you wanted to top first but… I mean… I did just win so…”

“Trust me,” Martin purred in his false feminine voice, “I hardly consider you bumming me to be _losing_. Come here you.”

Martin let himself be pressed into the bed, spreading his legs wide and moaning appreciatively as he felt Arthur’s wet fingers slip between his cheaks. He teased around his hole until Martin sighed in pleasure and then started to press them into him. Martin groaned and shifted a bit, enjoying the feel even as Arthur struggled to figure out how to work around his bollocks. Martin finally held them up for him.

“Thanks,” Arthur chuckled a bit, “I’m not quite used to my date having them too.”

“Here, this helps too,” Martin explained with a wink as he pushed a pillow beneath his bottom.

“You’re so smart,” Arthur sighed, and fingered his prostate so firmly that Martin yelped, “What happened? Did I hurt you?”

“Well…” Martin replied, glancing down at the small spurt of semen on his abdomen. He hadn’t ejaculated, but he had let loose quite a bit of precome, “Not exactly. That was my prostate you just jabbed like an elevator button. It’s a nice thing to play with and can feel _fantastic,_ but you’re better off being gentle with it. More of a rubbing motion and you’ll have me screaming your name in no time.”

“Okay. Can I try again?”

Martin nodded and Arthur eagerly slipped his fingers down to try once more. This time he couldn’t find Martins prostate at all. After fumbling around until Martin was frustrated and limp he finally just told Arthur to get on with it. Arthur looked anxious but eager as he slipped the condom on and tugged one of Martin’s legs over his shoulder. Martin had been stroking himself in an attempt to get erect again, and the sight of Arthur kneeling in front of him was downright erotic. He was hard and panting by the time the man started to press against his entrance and then…

Pain. Unimaginable pain. The scent of burning. Darkness.

“Oh gods,” Martin heard a soft groan and whimpering.

“Arthur!” Caroline screamed, “Arthur if you’ve tried to see how many things you can plug into one outlet again I’m going to…”

The door flew open and Caroline shined a flashlight at them.

“Goodness! Arthur! _Arthur!_ My baby! Speak to me!”

Martin blinked into the bleary light and found Caroline hovering over them in horror, the smell of burnt flesh and hair filling the room.

“Is it in yet?” Arthur croaked.

XXX

“I can’t believe you were electrocuted!” Martin’s mum hovered over him, fussing with his bedsheets, “What happened?”

Martin was tired of lying and Arthur was in a different room this time, so he spat out the truth, breaking down into tears partway through. His eyebrows were singed off and he had blisters on the backs of his hands. He had _no idea_ how he was going to hide this from Arthur.

“I love him, mum. I love him, but I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of sneaking around. I’m definitely tired of getting _hurt_ in the process! I just want my normal life back, but I can’t give him up!”

“Oh, my poor baby,” Mrs. Crieff sighed, petting his hair sadly.

“What do I do, mum? How do I hide this?”

“Maybe it’s time to stop hiding it.”

“I can’t! I’ll lose him! And his mother is my boss and she’s _pressuring_ me!”

“We’ll think of something, darling.”

XXX

“A tanning booth accident?” Arthur asked, “Gosh! That’s way cooler than being electrocuted mid-coitus by falling model airplanes!”

Martin ignored Douglas’ near histerical laughter. He was a bright shade of orange from the overuse of tanning crème to make his story believable. Since Arthur hadn’t seen the damage to ‘Mary’, and indeed had only spoken to her by phone since the accident, he had no reason not to believe that the criss-cross burns were from a tanning bed.

“Yes, well. That’s the last time I fall asleep in one, let me tell you!”

“I don’t think you should tan anyway, Skip,” Arthur replied, “Maybe it’s me dating a she-male now that has me thinking this way, but you’re really _very_ attractive.”

“Oh,” Martin replied, blushing beneath his burn crème and orange tinted skin, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome! Well, I better go see to the passengers. Anyone for a game of hide the lemon?”


	9. Pre-Break Up!

They weren’t messing around this time. Arthur had booked them a hotel and ‘Mary’ was meeting him there. After the disaster of their last several dates they were determined that this would _work._ Arthur once again had his buttplug in place and had reported quite happily that he’d washed himself up both inside and out. Martin then requested he go to the toilet and do a chocolate check to make sure he wasn’t about to crap all over him. Once that was established he returned to the bed where Martin/Mary had a checklist to prepare them for the situation.

“Okay. Poop?”

“None.”

“Non-latex condoms to avoid post-coital cleanup being awkward?”

“Check.”

“Oil-based lubricant that we have _both_ done an allergy test for 48 hours in advance?”

“Check and check.”

“Porn?”

“Check.”

“Previously viewed or possibly repulsive?”

“Previously viewed and _definitely_ repulsive!” Arthur replied with an excited squeak as he bounced on the bed a bit.

“Mmm, nice. Muscle crème?”

“Check.”

“Asprin?”

“Check.”

“Water bottles?”

“Check.”

“Sex pillow?”

“Well, I couldn’t find one under a hundred pounds so I just brought a few of mum’s throw pillows, my yoga mat, and her medicine ball.”

Martin thought on that for a moment, shifted his naughtiest black dress down a few inches, and decided he was okay with that.

“You’ve done yoga?”

“It’s good for your core muscles and that makes sex last longer.”

“Right, about that. We should probably do this twice. Once a quick bit to get ourselves through, then we watch the porno, then we have sex.”

“Perfect,” Arthur crowed, “You’re so brilliant Mary!”

“I try,” Martin pecked his nose lovingly, “So… where was I? Ah, yes. Padding on the floor?”

“Check, some more of mum’s pillows and a few of mine. She’ll be wondering about the sofa…”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Inspection of the room was completed before my arrival?”

“Check, check, check.”

“Sorry, three?”

“Electrician, plumber, and I threw in an exterminator because I read a scary article about bedbugs.”

“Good call, Arthur,” Martin nodded, “One can never be too sure. You tipped the maid double?”

“Check.”

“Tioletries are in the bathroom?”

“Check.”

“Extra enima kit?”

“Check.”

“Had something mild but full of fibre for dinner?”

“Check. Salad with boring old oil and vinegar and plenty of water. What about you?”

“I avoided curry and all other spices by having a simple fruit salad and a bowl of chicken soup.”

“Great!”

“Plus the fruit should make my semen tasty.”

“Really?! Oh, I can’t wait to try it!”

Martin leered, “I was hoping you’d say that.”

Martin tossed the list and pen and pounced on Arthur. They rolled about on the pillow-strewn bed and tugged each other’s clothes off eagerly, Mary’s dress receiving a few tugs that would require stitching up later. Arthur was always a spitfire in bed. Martin assumed that he’d rarely get to top after this with such a dominant partner, but he was determined to take that role for the first time in order to avoid being torn up by Arthur’s inexperience. They were heavy into their snog now, hips grinding eagerly as Arthur palmed Martin’s arse. Martin had kept his bra on since it seemed to drive Arthur mad. It was a little silk and lace number done up in deep purple and black. The matching panties had long since been discarded, but they were so stained with precome at this point they were more uncomfortable than sexy.

Martin rolled Arthur over and started in on his neck where he was the most sensitive, blocking out any distraction as he worked hard to bring Arthur to that point where he’d start swearing like a sailor. It happened about three inches from his second nipple just as he was starting to use teeth.

“Oh fuck yeah, that’s it, go for them,” Arthur growled.

“Mmm,” Martin agreed, taking his nipple into his mouth and suckling it. He popped off, blew on it to pebble it, then gave it a sharp nip.

“Oh! Cor!” Arthur exclaimed, bucking his hips eagerly.

“Mmm, you like that, do you?” Martin purred, sliding lower after giving it a few more licks.

He teased around Arthur’s navel and then dropped lower to nuzzle his dark mound of pubic hair, his cock being teased by Martin’s hair as he did so. Then he was lower and mouthing at his bollocks with eager attentions.

“What should I do, Arthur? Lick around your plug? Or suck you cock?”

“Both at once!” Arthur shouted.

Martin chuckled, “I think I’ll have to get inventive for that one.”

“Oh good! You do that,” Arthur moaned as Martin sucked on one finger to wet it before kissing up Arthur’s hard shaft, “You think of things you smart, sexy…. Bitch.”

“Arthur!” Martin gasped.

“Oh! Gods! I’m sorry! I’m _so_ sorry!”

“No,” Martin purred, pinning down his squirming hips, “That was _good_.”

“Good?”

“ _Very_ good.”

“Oh well… then… suck my cock slut!”

Martin swallowed him down with an eager slurp and began fingering his stretched bumhole with eager digits. Arthur was an instant whimpering, keening mess… until he called a stop.

“St-stop. Wait.”

Martin’s head flew up, nearly hitting Arthur in the chin when the berk sat up quickly.

“I stopped. I stopped when you said,” Martin babbled frantically, just barely using a high enough voice to be ‘Mary’.

“I know,” Arthur panted, “It’s just I was close and… I want to suck you too. Can two men do that 39 thing?”

“Thirty-nine…?” Martin wondered, “Oh! 69! Yes, of course! Oh, abso _lutely_!”

Martin hurried to the head of the bed and Arthur stretched out, each of them rolling onto their side. There was a bit of fumbling and coordinating- Martin had to explain that neither needed to be on top for this- and then his cock was deep inside Arthur’s decidedly hot mouth. Hot was about it, because he was still fairly new to sucking cock. Still, what he lacked in experience he made up for in enthusiasm, slurping and moaning around Martin’s aching shaft. Of course, having had the head start Arthur came first, and when he did his mouth tightened around Martin’s cock almost painfully. Luckily he’d had his lips around his teeth or it could have been bad. As it was, it acted as if someone put on and then removed a cock ring and Martin moaned and came explosively into his mouth at the sudden release of pressure. Arthur choked a bit, but swallowed him down and licked him up like a kitten.

“Oh, my,” Martin moaned in bliss, “Finally.”

“Yeah,” Arthur agreed, “It’s been _way_ too long.”

They righted themselves after a few minutes of basking and Arthur popped in the porno he’d brought. Martin was instantly regretting it. He should have specified a _gay_ porno, but he hadn’t realized how uncomfortable this was going to make him. It wasn’t as if he didn’t look at women fairly often, and he’d even had sex with one once. His own porn collection was ripe with movies that featured both genders, transmen and women, and even a few anime with futanari. No, the problem was that he could instantly see the reason Arthur had brought this one. The woman was a redhead and the man was a brunette. They looked like _them._ Arthur had picked a movie that made ‘Mary’ into the woman he really wanted rather than the dragqueen he was stuck with. Martin felt a twist in his gut that he suddenly realized was _jealousy_. He was jealous of himself! Of a fake female version of his own damn self!

Before he knew what he was doing he was snatching up clothes, and shoving himself into them. Arthur was babbling apologies and questions in quick succession, confused and alarmed, but the tears were what stopped martin from storming out without a word.

“I’m sorry,” Martin whispered, bussing his lips, “I just can’t do this. It’s not you, it’s most definitely me…”

“You’re breaking up with me?!”

“No!” Martin shouted, then calmed himself down, “No, darling. I just… I need to think. I’m sorry.”

The next day Arthur announced that he was thinking of leaving MJN Air and Caroline fired Martin in order to hire Mary and keep him happy, effectively ending Martin’s chance at ever being with Arthur.


	10. 6. Post-Break-Up or "The One Time They Did... BUTT Not The Last!"

 

Martin was anxiously awaiting Arthur’s arrival as he lit candles and placed a few rose petals on the bed. Things were better financially at MJN air but they were still trying to dig their way out of debt, so they were renting out the main part of the house while they continued to live in Arthur’s suite. Caroline was off travelling with her not-boyfriend with no actual intention of ever settling down again. That left Martin moving in with Arthur to live in his suite while he managed MJN air. Occasionally Caroline hopped on their plane instead of Hercules’ just to irritate him, but she stayed primarily in hotels now.

Arthur arrived but Martin stopped dead in his tracks at the sight of him. He was so angry his face was puce, his hands slamming down keys as he stomped about in a full on rage. Martin had thought he’d seemed a bit… tense… when he’d left, but he just figured that was because he had to stay behind and finish up some paperwork.

“Umm, is something wrong?” Martin asked, still having trouble controlling his voice.

Arthur turned to him in absolute outrage, “ _I’m_ your boyfriend, aren’t I?”

“Absolutely.”

“Your partner?”

“Well, yes. In more ways than one.”

“Then why the _hell_ did that _woman_ think she had a right to you?!”

“What woman?” Martin asked in surprise.

“Her _serene_ _highness_ Princess Theresa Gustafa Bonaventura of Lichtenstein, Countess of Spondheim, and Protector-Extraordinary of the Cantons of Nim!”

“Arthur! I’m impressed!” Martin beamed, “How ever did you manage to memorize her _entire_ title!”

“BECAUSE I SPENT AN ENTIRE FLIGHT HAVING IT RECITED AT ME LIKE A BLOODY SCHOOL LESSON!!” Arthur screamed, pulling at his hair in frustration.

“Oh, dear,” Martin replied, “She seemed so nice. She helped us with the fuel and-“

“Oh, she was _lovely_ to you!” Arthur snarled, “She _adored_ you! With your fancy hat and your title!”

“Ah, what?”

“Airplanes!” Arthur shouted, “She loves airplanes!”

“Okay, that’s lovely,” Martin replied, still baffled, “We should give her a tour of the one we’re thinking of buying and-“

“NO! Never again! She is officially banned from MJN Air for all time! Forthwith!”

“Forthwith?” Martin snorted.

“Do you have _any idea_ what she said to me when I told her you were taken?”

“You told her I was taken?” Martin asked, putting his hand on his chest as his heart fluttered with their young love.

“She was asking me how to get in your trousers! Maybe even into your pants!”

“Did you mention I’m a crossdresser?” Martin snickered, “Me getting into that posh dress of hers-“

“Don’t you even joke!” Arthur shouted, “She was _revolting_. She had _no shame_! She talked about your ass and your thighs and… _argh!”_

Martin gasped as Arthur launched himself at him, grabbing Martin by the front of his housecoat and planting a possessive kiss on his lips. Arthur pushed and Martin was backed through their bedroom door into their bedroom and thrown down on the bed. Martin gasped. He and Arthur got off regularly together, and had been sleeping in the same bed for a few months now, but throughout their relationship something had _always_ stopped them from going that _one_ step further. Martin had started to accept that he and Arthur wouldn’t _ever_ have penetrative sex, that perhaps they were both two awkward and ridiculous to ever experience that side of a gay relationship. Now, however, with Arthur ripping off his clothes and growling at him like a savage, Martin’s shaking knees were telling a different tale.

Arthur removed their clothes while growling avariciously, kissing and biting along Martin’s neck. He always got a foul mouth during sex, but this was a different basket of eggs.

“You’re mine, damn it. My beautiful Mary. My handsome Martin. My gorgeous lover. _Mine_. I’ll never, ever share you with anyone but GERTI, do you hear me? _No one touches your body but me!”_

Martin crooned and arched beneath him, whispering _yes_ ’s and _oh’_ s and all sorts of other nonsense as he went soft and weak beneath Arthur’s sudden onslaught. Arthur took a mouthful of nipple and played with it until Martin was panting and arching up against him, his cock dribbling against his belly in longing. Then the normally jovial young man leaned back and _manhandled_ Arthur onto his hands and knees.

“Oh _yes!”_ Martin gasped, scrambling up onto his knees with his face pushed into the mattress as Arthur spread his ass cheeks and gave his pucker a kiss.

“I’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll never forget who you belong to,” Arthur rumbled in his ear as he leaned over him and slid his cock along the crack of his ass.

“Arthur,” Martin squeaked, “Lube!”

Arthur grumbled irritably, but sat back and fetched the lube from their nightstand. He began to work Martin open with expert digits that had long since learned every fluttering muscle in Martin’s hungry entrance. Arthur stretched him until Martin was keening for him to just _take_ him already, and then lined up and…

“Oh gods,” Martin breathed as Arthur slid into him and froze in shock, “It’s actually happening.”

“Oh bloody hell,” Arthur moaned deeply, and Martin fully expected him to pull out dripping wet and finished, but Arthur slid out halfway and slowly pushed in again to test Martin’s comfort.

“I’m good,” Martin panted, “I’m good, just… _move_. It’s better when you move.”

“Yes,” Arthur gasped, and began a quick staccato that had Martin arching in pleasure at the occasional rub against his prostate.

Martin could feel hot sparks of igniting nerves flying through his internal walls, sending jolts of pleasure to his cock and balls. His lower back ached in a way that made him want _more_ as he clawed the sheets and pushed back on Arthur’s cock. He was hot and shaky and completely at Arthur’s mercy- the exact way he’d always wanted to be despite his demands to top. He could easily see that he’d be bottoming again. And again. And hopefully for as long as they both lived. He’d happily be in a nursing home, raising the electric bed so Arthur could roger him senseless. The nurses’ eyes be damned!

“Arthur,” Martin moaned deeply, “Please, please!”

“Touch yourself,” Arthur panted, hand stroking along the small of his back in a tender, loving caress, “My sweet, love, I want to feel you come while I’m inside you. _Grip me_. Squeeze my cock while I’m inside you until I can barely move!”

Martin’s hand flew down and he began to work himself hard, tugging brutally on his plump erection until Arthur’s cock found his prostate again. He cried out, pushing back eagerly and Arthur did something he never, ever did before in his entire life. He took the hint. He angled his hips and plundered Martin’s eager ass for all it was worth, stroking his p-spot on every inward and outward thrust. Martin was reduced to a series of short, frantic, needy cries, letting out sounds he’d likely be ashamed of in the light of day. His cock was swelling in his hand, pleasure sparking behind his eyes. Arthur’s fingers dug into his hip and then Martin was coming, his prick pulsing out wave after wave of pleasure onto their duvet as Martin screamed out his release to the heavens. He was still sobbing and shaking in pleasure when Arthur stilled behind him and came with a grunt and a soft moan of relief.

Martin lay still, shocked and giddy with relief, love, and endorphins. He waited until Arthur eased out of him, checked his bum for injury, and then they both collapsed with slightly hysterical giggles.

“We did it!” Arthur crowed.

“Hurrah for us! We’ve done anal!” Martin laughed, throwing his arms up and punching the air.

“We’ve finally buggered!” Arthur blushed, not used to swearing outside of sex.

“We’ve lost our arse virginity!” Martin laughed again, and then made a horrified face and fled to the bathroom to relieve himself, much to Arthur’s amusement.

When he returned to the bedroom a few minutes later Arthur had cleaned up and was laying there staring thoughtfully up at his model aeroplane collection. Martin climbed in beside him and lay on his side, smoothly waxed leg thrown over Arthur’s thighs.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Martin cooed, running his finger over Arthur’s chest.

“Hm? Oh, I was just thinking about that _bitch_ again and how I could wipe the smug look off her face just by thinking about you moaning on my cock.”

“Mmm, Arthur,” Martin purred, kissing his cheek, “Talking filthy _after_ sex?”

“Do you know what she said to me?” Arthur groused, much less peeved than he had been.

“Mm? Tell me,” Martin yawned.

“She said she was the _Princess Theresa Gustafa Bonaventura of Lichtenstein, Countess of Spondheim, and Protector-Extraordinary of the Cantons of Nim_ , and that if she snapped her fingers my ‘partner’- she said it like it had quotes- my ‘ _partner’_ would be _belly up_ for her in no time.”

“What did you say back?” Martin asked, planning on telling Arthur to then rant out what he _wanted_ to say to her to the mirror so the poor sot could get it out of his system. However, Arthur’s response had Martin flummoxed.

“Well…” Arthur hesitated, “We were heading for a landing pattern and you said to put the tray up and she was comparing the tray to you and obedience so… so… I said, ‘Well sweet cheeks, in my country I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, bitch!’.”

Martin fell apart laughing, hand clutching Arthur’s side as tears ran down his cheeks. Arthur gave him an embarrassed and slightly proud look as he turned pink and stared love at Martin. Martin knew from that moment on they’d be alright. Money might be tighter than Martin’s stilleto heels, but he wasn’t about to give up on this funny, adorable, idiot of a man, and Arthur clearly felt the same about him! He’d just have to find a way around all the emergency landing patterns they were being forced to fly until they hit clear skies.

That was when Arthur noticed that he smelled smoke.

“BLOODY HELL! THE CANDLES!”

 

I stole the punchline from this joke I saw on the interweb. Enjoy!

http://funnyshit.com.au/gay-flight-attendant.html

 


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